Saturday, September 15, 2018

when life is still different

As my children get older, I write about them less. It is a tricky thing to always know what to share and what not to share. There isn't always a clear line between what is my story to tell and what are their stories to tell. Sometimes I think that if I do not share certain things others will not know that we are dealing with things. I wonder if people think things are easy for us these days; then I wonder why I even care what other people think.

For me I think so much of it goes back to not feeling alone. Motherhood can feel lonely. Being a stay-at-home-mom, a homeschooling mom, a mom of a child with disabilities - each of these labels can make me feel unconnected, not all the time and not in every season, but definitely in certain moments. Even in the best communities, my life is still different than the average person's.

This evening a few things weighed heavy on my heart, and these things aren't even "big deal" type of things. Yet I think where I can feel most aware of the differences is in the mundane average moments that are not so average for us. I am not even sure what to do with these feelings because they are much more fleeting than they used to be, but they still exist. They still show up when I'm assisting with a task or skill or a chore. They show up sometimes when I enter or exit a location or an event. My heart can twist and turn sometimes in these moments, and tears might even show up unannounced and uninvited. I hate these moments not so much because I see how different things still are, but because I realize how vulnerable I still am. To be emotionally vulnerable is to show others my need when I would much rather have it all together.

So what is my need? Where don't I have it all together? My need is to find rest. Rest from worry. Rest from trying to stay three steps ahead of any issue. Rest from trying to make sure I find all of the things that will help my children. Rest from feeling guilty when I cannot find or do all of the things.

I heard a quote today from a Schole' Sisters retreat I was able to watch via the internet. Cindy Rollins said, "The way you guard your heart is you find your home in Christ." People often associate the term "guard your heart" with purity, especially sexual purity. But this one line Cindy said caught my attention so much I don't know that I heard everything else she said after it. For the last ten weeks I have been doing a study on 1,2,3 John with the focus on the term abide. Making my home in Christ and Him making His home in me means that my heart can be protected from all the worry of things I cannot control by resting in His love and in His care.

I still am not resting well. Even just now while I was writing out these thoughts,  the door opened and two sets of eyes looked in. I felt a bit of weariness about the games that still need to be played and the entire bedtime routine we have to go through. I am not good at resting; I default to trying to control so many of the things and being sad when so many of the things are out of my control. But I'm praying my new default would soon be finding rest for my soul in abiding in Christ, even on the days that are still so different from most everyone else's days.