April has been a quiet month for me and a somewhat emotional one.
I am pretty sure I spent some time grieving Bugaboo's diagnosis. I hear this is normal. I don't know that I have gone through the four stages, but I have had some sad days.
The Hubs got into the nurse practitioner program, so starting in June he is a full time student again for just 5 more semesters. I am overwhelmed by all of this. (He knows. We have had many discussions on the topic.) The decisions we are making on funding this schooling are at a waiting point right now - waiting on hearing back about scholarships and grants and loans - and figuring out what I can do to still stay home with the boys yet earn some income.
Long term the NP direction has been what we knew we were wanting to do, and it is what makes the most sense long term financially (and career satisfaction wise) for us. Short-term every option causes me to have anxiety, including the unreasonable option of not doing the NP program. All of that to say, pray for wisdom and discernment for us. Pray for open doors and shut doors and insight to know the difference and peace. I really need some peace about all of this.
On top of those two life stressors, right before Easter I got a letter from my dad. And when I contacted him as he asked and gave him a chance to do the right thing, it was business as usual with him. Nothing has changed in the last year in a half, in the last three years. Nothing has changed in the last twenty-plus years. The conversations with him took an emotional toll on me for a few weeks. I don't write this out of anger or hatred, but just sadness. How someone can walk away from their daughter time and time again is beyond my comprehension.
The Hubs told me, before I contacted my dad, that letter isn't worth toilet paper. But I still reached out with my speck of hope. And when I reached out, my dad said he still needed a few more days. But he still hasn't had the conversations he has needed to have.
So I have shut that door. At first I worried that it was not a very Christian thing to do, to shut that door, but I realize I am not slamming the door, I am not locking the door. I am shutting it and walking away because he knows what needs to be done to open the door. I keep coming back to the verse that says "Don't cast your pearls before swine." My heart can't be trampled on again. It has to be guarded. That in itself is a heartbreaking thought - to have to guard your heart from a parent.
Of all the words to have for the year... my word for the year is hope. I haven't really written about it yet. A lot of things in my life feel hopeless. Many situations feel hopeless, too. But in these situations I am slowly coming to realize my hope isn't in a thing or situation or a relationship or for someone to do the right thing. 1 Timothy 1:1 calls Jesus "Christ Jesus our hope..." and I'm realizing that is what my hope is. That is who my hope is in. Not just for when I die, but of the day to day, for the difficult and the mundane. Pray for me as I learn to rest in the hope that He is.
It has been a good week though. The weather has been wonderful. Bug has made some huge gross motor skill gains lately as well as slow and steady progress in speech (please pray for his fine motor skills to progress - we seem to be at a standstill). Bubby's reading is fun to listen to these days, and almost daily he asks really good questions. I get to be with my kids every day, and while it can be exhausting at times, I love what we do. I'm sitting here on a Wednesday night after all of our activities thinking, "This was a really good day. This has been a really good week." The simplicity of routine and sunshine and reading books and singing songs is just what my heart needed.