It's Sunday night, and the house is as quiet as it should be to end the weekend. There's the sound of pages flipping in the boys' room even though it is after nine. I ended up turning on the hallway light for my five year old since I haven't shared with him my childhood trick of a flashlight under the covers. It's July and much too hot for under the covers. I hope someday when he is grown he will remember that his mommy left the light on for him.
Last week was a break in the heat, and we spent lots of time at various parks with friends or just us. I make Bug work on his stair climbing and motor planning skills at the park. It makes me sad that we can't be there just to play the way other families do. He doesn't like the work sometimes, but he is rewarded with lots of time on the swings. This summer has brought about really hard moments with Bugaboo - hard because we are at a loss of what to do to make it better. Thankfully, this summer has brought about some really sweet moments with Bugaboo such as listening to him read in bed in the morning before I get up or hearing him sing most of the first verse of 'Tis So Sweet To Trust in Jesus when he doesn't realize I'm listening.
I watch Bubby playing with friends and new kids. Sometimes he is bossy, and sometimes he is a follower, and most of the time he reminds me of me. The way he gives up or doesn't try something when it seems new or scary frustrates me mostly because I see my intrinsic perfectionism somehow was passed along to him. He takes it in stride when we have to leave some place because of his brother's meltdowns, and he has yet to throw a fit when we don't always make it over to the big boy swings. I worry I am holding him back somehow with our life, with our circumstances. But I realize and am thankful for the opportunities he has been given to learn to be a decent and giving person at the tender age of five.
The boys and I ventured to my childhood home for a few days in order to celebrate my great-grandma's 100th birthday. Being home always brings a mixture of emotions and circumstances, and though I returned from the trip physically and emotionally tired, I also felt strengthened and encouraged. I hugged people I hadn't hugged in years, and just that simple moment gave me hope. Hope that reminds me of the Veggie Tales line (sorry, we watch a lot of veggie tales around here): "No hurt is too big for God." Maybe that sounds ridiculously simple, but I find that truth sustaining.
Summer is winding down around here. School starts in mid-August, and two new adventures will begin in terms of schooling for my children (and me). If I think about either adventure for too long, I get a little nauseated. So instead of thinking about it, I plan what I can and procrastinate on what I can't handle right now. The lightning bugs are still out each night. I need to remember the beauty and importance of getting out there and chasing them before they disappear for another year.