November has been a rough month here. Right at the beginning we had a door that was open - that we did not even know would even close - pretty much slam in our faces. And neither another door nor a window has opened yet. Dry socket, illness, a medical procedure, a difficult IEP meeting, and what I presume to be food poisoning yesterday in addition to the closed door have left me weary and worn. If we hadn't had the summer we had, perhaps I would be stronger. But this summer about killed me emotionally. And November has just been extra hard.
There is always something to be thankful for, and I try to focus on that here. But sometimes I just need to say I am sad. I have followed "the rules," I keep putting one foot in front of the other, I keep clinging to my faith, but the why questions inevitably overwhelm me. Some days I find myself closer to Job's wife than to Job, and quite honestly, that scares me.
I'm sorting out my faith, my theology these days. What is truth and what is first world entitlement and prosperity gospel? What is a loving God and what is a sovereign God and are these terms synonymous or opposing view points? A+B has rarely equaled C in my life, so am I doing something wrong or is that just how it is? And I live in a cozy house with my sweet little family with food on the table, which is more than so many other people in the world have - so why am I disappointed and frustrated? Why do I look across the fence and wonder why I can't have what the Joneses own?
Advent is coming, and I am longing for it more than ever this year. I am needing the reminders of Hope, Joy, Peace, and Love. I am needing the message of redemption and a kingdom not of this world. I am needing new quiet in this bustling, loud world, and I am needing new light to shine on the dark path my feet seem to be walking.