Wednesday, June 18, 2014

the (almost) halfway point of quiet

For the past few years, instead of (or some years in addition to) making a bunch of resolutions I have chosen to focus on one word. This year my word is quiet. I did not really want this word, but it is the word I really felt impressed to choose anyway. The year is not quite halfway through, and I thought I would again pause and reflect on what quiet has been like in these weeks and months thus far.

The most obvious thing is that I am blogging less. Part of that is intentional.  I am choosing not to write about anything and everything that catches my attention. But part of less blogging is just the season of life I am in.  I don't have the brain power at the end of the day to write. This makes me incredibly sad because there are two things I find incredibly therapeutic. One is playing the piano, which I am not very good at, and when I do play four little hands now like to come along and bang on the keys with me. Not quite as relaxing.  The other thing that helps me process and release is writing. By not blogging as much I would like to, I feel a little congested, spiritually and emotionally speaking. 

I have things I want to say that I am choosing not to say because I cannot say them well right now. Even simple posts seem like they would take too much effort.  Mothering has become an even more full time job in the last year or two than I ever imagined it being.  Where things often change for some moms when their youngest hits two or three years old, things haven't really changed in the same way for me because my youngest still has a lot of needs. In fact, in the last month he has developed some new needs, and it has been a challenge.  I guess all that to say that if quiet had not been my word for the year I would feel even worse about not writing as often than I do.

But there has been some good things about my focus on quiet.  I am thinking through my opinions before I speak them more than is natural for me to do.  I have actually reflected on some of the writing I have done over the last few years on here, and have thought about some of the things I have changed my mind (or at least softened my mind) about. For example,  I had a pretty strong opinion about "working moms" a few years ago and now I figure I have enough to worry about in my own life that I don't need to (unnecessarily) worry about someone else's. Perhaps I should have been quiet about that opinion years ago, perhaps not.  That being said, focusing on choosing quiet and choosing what battles to fight has made me realize that there are still things I will always choose to not be quiet about - integrity, honesty, faith, etc. Not everything I feel strongly about though needs to be written about - at least not in every season - but there is a time and place for (most) everything.

Another good thing that has been a result of my focus on quiet is I have spent less time online. I have spent less time worrying about trying to impress people or gain a following.  I have realized the people I consistently read online are few, and that is probably a good thing because time is a precious commodity.  I have intentionally returned to my love of reading books. Actual books with pages to turn instead of blogs or not-news-worthy-news articles.  I actually purchased a journal a couple of months ago, and I have tried writing some thoughts with pen and paper.  My handwriting still sucks, but when it's just me and God and the paper, I don't have to worry at all about what I am saying.  That is freeing.

I have tried to incorporate quiet into my parenting.  This is probably what I need to focus on the most in the remainder of the year. Not getting stressed out about things, but choosing to be calm and still. It is also the  most challenging considering the daily outbursts and crying spells Bugaboo has started in the last month or so.  Our house does not feel quiet at many points throughout the day, so I must choose the quiet even in the chaos.

I worry that I have missed documenting important milestones or just funny memories on here the last several months. That is my perfectionist tendency combined with this intrinsic need I have to want to remember everything. (Anyone else with an input strength?) I still don't know exactly why quiet had to be my focus word this year, but I am beginning to see glimpses of the reasons. For that I am thankful.

2 comments:

  1. Love this. What a good word to select and work on this year! And I love how you are incorporating it into your parenting. I have also found that if I can keep it together through the meltdowns, everything calms down faster. It is way harder than just joining in the noise though. Also, I have done a lot more personal journaling, actually filling up notebooks instead of posting everything online. It helps with that spiritual congestion when not everything is meant for public consumption. Praying for more quiet as your year finishes!

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  2. I totally relate and understand. I can hardly sit at a computer without a child climbing all over me. :) Plus, I am so exhausted once the kids are in bed. I love how your focus is being still and quiet IN THE STORM. It really does feel like that. Joey and Annabelle fight quite a bit and love quite a bit too. :) But Joey screams A LOT and sometimes it's all I can do to NOT scream back! I am trying to teach Joey self control, but he thinks I mean "Paw Control" and then wants to watch a show. I say no and ANOTHER tantrum. Thanks for sharing even when you are tired. And, if this is your "tired blogging" I cannot tell. :)

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