Tuesday, April 15, 2014

oceans

Bugaboo cried for an unknown reason for half an hour before Bubby's preschool pick-up time. He cried for the first part of the drive to preschool as well.  Oceans by Hillsong United happened to come on the radio, and though Bug's tears slowed down, mine started.  The words seemed different today.

I'm sure many of the people listening to this song which speaks of going where God calls them, walking upon water, trust without borders imagine God calling them to do something really awesome - like start a church or be a missionary or stand up for a certain cause. There are probably all types of people raising their hands in different church venues every weekend to their song, perhaps thinking of this music as a sort of spiritual pep rally. I love a good spiritual pep rally, a word encouraging me to go and do great things for Jesus.

But I am not going anywhere. The great unknown for me isn't a new location or a new calling. The great unknown for me is in my mothering. All of the little things in my little world creating an ocean filled with waves - scaring me, amazing me, humbling me.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, the song says.  Do we really want that as we sing it? Trust without borders may mean moving to a foreign land to spread the Gospel.  Sometimes it is trusting in the midst of being with my three year old through his crying spell, through his inability to communicate the way we both want.

Wherever you may call me may not be platforms or sanctuaries or airports. It may mean waiting rooms. Literal waiting rooms for therapies and doctor appointments and IEP meetings.

Where my feet may fail and fear surrounds me -- the fear that I am failing to meet both of my childrens' needs, to be a good wife and daughter and friend. Failing in so many ways, but knowing I can't stop getting back up.

Then there's the last part of the song, I will call upon your name... I will rest in your embrace... and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.

Sometimes churchy people give out pat-answers, "Let go and let God." or "God won't give you anything you can't handle." (untrue)

But the presence of my Savior. That's the key for me right there. It doesn't magically make everything better, but there is peace. There is empowerment. There is relief and rest.

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