We are in a beautiful and confusing and exhausting place right now. But mostly exhausting. I think my poor husband maybe gets four hours of sleep some nights between work, homework and going to school/clinicals. I don't know how does it all, but he does. (And he is not even cranky. Seriously. I am a lucky woman.) It also looks like we have some answers about the next year or more, which is a good thing, but also a weird thing.
Bubby is a challenge in ways that are not "your typical boy." I don't have to worry about him throwing rocks or biting his brother. However, he is my child and by that I mean his mouth gets him in trouble. Yet at the same time, his mouth projects some of the most profound questions and sincere faith that I think a person can have. By him, I am reminded of all of Jesus' words on becoming like a child, having faith like a child, and not being a stumbling block to little ones. The hardest, yet most effective discipleship program I have ever had is becoming a mother.
Bugaboo amazes us with some of the things he knows or picks up on, but we are still struggling so much with unlocking the key to better communication. His new thing has been crying spells. Beyond the typical two and three year old type tantrums that are easy to figure out, he also cries for unknown reasons. These times are heartbreaking and zap me of all energy. During these crying spells he cries out for Jesus, and I don't quite know what to make of that. But as I'm holding him trying to calm him down, I find my heart (and sometimes my mouth) crying out for Jesus, too.
I try to hang on to the fact that God has a plan for us, that He is at work even when I don't understand it. I don't say that because I have faith or parenting or life in general figured out. I do not. I regularly have to remind myself that He will work this out for good because He loves us and we are called according to His purposes. I am leaning into verses like that these days because without this faith I have found, I will come crashing down.