Bubby is in service with us each Sunday at our church, so it is nothing new to have him next to me in worship. But today I was filled with emotion having him next to me. The second hymn has been with me throughout motherhood. It is what I would sing through so many rough nights with Bugaboo not able to put himself to sleep. I sang this song to Bubby when he was just over three pounds hooked up to wires and monitors in the NICU.
But I sang this song more than a year before Bubby was born. I sang it as my body miscarried baby number one. I sang it in between moments of screaming at God and questioning why. I sang it lying in bed with tears that would not stop. I sang it in the dark to give me a glimpse of light. I sang it to hold on to my faith when so much of me just wanted to let it go.
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er;
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
Oh, for grace to trust Him more!
Today when I was in the giant sanctuary, Bubby said, "We sing this at our church!" I looked down at my precious four year old. I couldn't keep the tears from escaping. The tears for what was lost. The tears for what I have been given.