Tuesday, January 29, 2013

writing a letter to my young sons about purity

Dear C & G,

There is a part of my heart that wants to keep you little for always.  I want to protect you from pain and loss and tough choices.  But I know that is impossible. You started your lives being poked and prodded in NICU isolettes.  You dealt with pain a little earlier than most have to.

 There is a lot of talk on the internet this week about purity, about grace, about the pressure it puts on females. There are bits of insight I know I'd want to impart if I had daughters, but I want to impart just as much wisdom to you.
You are just little guys now, but I know I will wake up and there you will be ... mostly grown. Along the way you will make more disgusting noises, you will destroy household items, and you will push boundaries and break rules.  At some point, too, you will start dating. That thought terrifies me.

 I'm telling you upfront that we will never have "The Talk," sweet boys, because we have a home where there is no shame in asking questions. Already, C, you ask questions about bodies, and we don't give you silly names for private parts. I hope that we are setting a solid foundation for transparency.

I want you to always know that you can come to me with anything. I never want you to doubt my unconditional love for you. I will always be honest with you.

On the topic of purity, I do not quite know what to say yet. I know what I DON'T want to say.  I will not repeat bad theology nor hyped up emotionally driven programs.  You deserve better than that.  You are valuable. Not because of what you do or don't do but because you are dear to the heart of God. I want you to always, always, always know where to find your worth.

Just a few more things on my heart tonight, boys. 

You are always accountable for what you do in relationships with others. That is not limited to romantic relationships, but it extends to every friendship and interaction.  I pray that you will be men who are honest, who are kind, who are strong but gentle, who are sincere, who are fun, and who are accurately confident. I pray that you will be able to see the big picture of things, but that you will also be able to enjoy the moment.  I pray you won't over-analyze every decision, but that you will embrace grace and not beat yourself up over every mistake.

But most of all I pray that you will see Jesus in Daddy and in me and that you will know how much He loves you. I pray that you will daily experience grace and truth so intermixed that you never struggle like some do with trying to separate or dissect the two.  I pray that His love would guide you through every decision -good and bad - because nothing nothing nothing can separate you from His love



(P.S. I hope I always remember these posts on this hard topic - Sarah Bessey's "I am Damaged Goods" emily wierenga's "to the last virigns standing" and "to non-virgins standing"  and elizabeth esther, "virginity new and improved" - )


  1. Good thoughts! I enjoyed the other blog posts in your post script as well. Food for thought, especially since I totally had the framed purity pledge, purity ring and special dinner date with dad to give the rings.

    1. Thanks. All of the "true love waits" stuff was presented to me via my youth group since I attended church by myself on high school. My mom had many conversations w/ me growing up that I feel were pretty balanced. My dad wades was not on the picture. There was a whole true live waits weekend at my church where we signed cards and stood on stage. At the time it seemed like the thing to do. But long term I don't know how effective it was for most of us. Now that I'm a mom I wonder if there is a better way.

  2. oh my dear friend, this makes me teary-eyed, thinking of my own two boys. what a good mama you are.

  3. I appreciated this post on the subject, having read 3/4 of the others you mentioned. My plan is to be honest and to tell my children I want better for them but will love them no matter what. And there's more...not really conducive to a comment box...

    I wanted to tell you that your comment on my post at Emily's means so much to me. I left you a long reply, there.


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