And yet it's not great. We still lack answers.
There will be another test, which means another blood draw for my sweet boy. They are now going to look for congenital disorders to explain his delays. Even with the therapies, even with the preemie factor - he is almost two and is a year behind developmentally. He gets a milestone, but the catching up is slow. The gap widens, and as a mommy and an educator that terrifies me.
We ate dinner. I showered. I made pumpkin pie dip, and then I put the boys in the tub. Then the three of us went to a social gathering for small group leaders. I did not take time to process. Our pastor asked how Bugaboo was doing, and I replied honestly (but without crying), "He's doing fine, but I'm not doing so great." And then he (the pastor) talked about how sometimes geniuses start off like this. It made me want to hope and to cry at the same time. But I did neither.
The group passed around my littlest in his footie pajamas, which some people called a onesie, and a friend of mine went and read stories to my oldest at some point. The whole evening made me want to weep, but not for reasons I expected. Instead it was because of this incredible sense of friendship and love of that group - even those I don't really know well yet - of just eating and laughing and playing an ice breaker. It felt so normal.
We left and my three year old commented, "That was a GOOD day!" Just like his mama, an introvert he really likes being around people.
We got in the van, and I cried the whole way home, saying, "Thank You, Jesus. Thank You, Jesus." Because really what else is there to say? We are here waiting, and we don't know why or where the waiting is leading. But we are here with people near and far who love and pray for us. We are here in a community of people who just let me sit for an evening. We are here with the two cutest boys on the planet, and when I think about how much I love them both I think my head and my heart will explode. We are here, and in spite of it all, it is a very good place to be.