Tuesday, October 2, 2012

the fear of missing out (day 2)

I love Disneyland. Always have, probably always will.  Therefore I do not mind waiting two hours to ride Space Mountain.. But put me behind a Springfield driver on Wednesday evening, and every ounce of patience disappears. I hate being behind slow drivers.  Why do I have this character flaw of impatience?

I thought of several reasons today. What it primarily comes down to is that I am afraid of missing out.  When I am behind a slow driver, I fear they will make me late (I will not rant here about tardiness). While at Disneyland, I know the waiting gets me to the front of the line.  But in the rest of life - I don't have that guarantee.  If I have to wait, one of my greatest fears  could come true. What if I end up missing out?

This fear really took hold in college. I went to a Christian university where the importance of a ring on a girl's finger by graduation day seemed to be preached whenever chapel services featured alum. There were brother-floors and the obligatory Get-Your-Roommate-A-Date once a year. I graduated with honors, but ring-less and no boyfriend on the horizon. You are missing out, echoed in my mind.  It didn't matter that I had a job lined up, and that I was moving to parts unknown across the country - a great adventure.  The idea that I was missing out and that I would have to wait for "the one" made me feel like a failure.

I was a pretty good girl. A smart girl,. A girl who loved Jesus.  I knew other girls who didn't have to wait, and some of those girls didn't appear to love Jesus as much as I did. Why didn't they have to wait?  The comparison trap gripped my soul. I was twenty-two, living by myself and trying to walk by faith. I thought maybe now, out in the Arizona desert, "the one" would magically appear. But God was holding out on me for some reason and making me wait.

And I didn't like it one bit...

(to be continued)

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