I find myself still holding out hope that somehow people in my life will change. Somehow they will see the truth. Somehow they will value me and my children. And honestly, I am beginning to think that hope is a bunch of crap.
There are generational sins. Sins that stem from lies and selfishness. I don't even know what generation started it. I only know that I have been affected, deeply affected. Others have been affected, even if they do not acknowledge it for reasons only they understand.
I just want to yell, "I'm tired of waiting for this curse to be over!" I am tired of people living in fear of some of my family members. Stand up! Stand up!
I am angry, but mostly I am sad and I am weary. If only people knew the whole story. I am willing to share it if they were willing to listen. But fear keeps them away.
So I wait for changes that may never happen. And I'm not quite sure how to handle that any more.
But I am ending the evening knowing that God sees me, and He waits with me. He can handle all of this. He can handle all of me.
Man, this was a serious first post for me to stumble on. I feel like I need to read through your whole blog now to get where you're coming from.
ReplyDeleteEven so, your words resonate with me and my own experience. I went through a time when I realized I had to stand up and be the last one- that family curse stops with me. I went through a time when I realized I had to get healthy for myself, even if the rest of my family wanted to go on living with their junk. And I went through a time of seeing my family stand up with me as they realized that the hard work I was doing was worth it. Now I live in restored relationship that I didn't think was possible.
I have no idea what circumstances you are writing about here- but I know the weariness that comes from waiting hopelessly and the value the Lord puts on our faithfulness in not giving up hope.
Also, I wish I had started this 31 days of... thing on October 1st! I need something to motivate me to write every day!
Glad I found you! Be blessed in your waiting!
Thank you for your kind words. This whole topic for the month is heavy - I usually try to mix it up around here - and where I thought I was going Oct. 1 is not where I'm ending up! :)
DeleteThere was reconciliation for about three years, but then someone treated me very disrespectfully, lied about it, and it spiralled from there. I trusted people who broke my trust in childhood, and then they turned around and did it again. I hope for change, I pray for change, but I am not putting my kids at risk.
Anyhoo - I hope you'll be back - especially in November when I am free to write whatever. :)