Thursday, August 23, 2012

when you don't want to be stronger, but you are anyway

You can spend an evening making jokes about hackers and it's not my job and upside down picture frames. But you wake up the next morning, and your heart is still broken. You can say phrases like, "It's their loss," or "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger," but sometimes you just get tired of being strong. Twenty years of being the adult, being the strong one eventually gets exhausting.

The human heart can only take so much.

It is the same heart that was broken time and time again over two decades, but this time it is different. This time the babies are involved. So this time it isn't just about you and your principles. It is about protecting two innocent little boys.  It doesn't make it any less painful, but it does make it a little easier to make the decisions.  Yet no amount of photoshopping or unfriending can erase the pain in your heart from trust shattered by the people you love and who should love you.

What do you do? 

After days of putting on an I will survive face, you stand in the shower and contemplate tears.  Then you hold them back because you realize they are not worth your tears.  But they escape anyway at odd times because maybe they aren't worth your tears, but the what should have been is.

Then you put one foot in front of the other and keep going. You take your kids to the park, and you hold your husband's hand. You hang with people who have become near and dear to you in a relatively short amount of time. They don't know your jokes about perms and what was unnecessary, but they do know that your oldest is allergic to strawberries and that you prefer iced caramel machiattos in the summer.

You hear Kelly Clarkson on the radio and you do part of your Zumba routine in the passenger seat of the car. You smile because you know you are stronger, and this is just the beginning.

2 comments:

  1. Medusa from Greek mythology has taught many of us well that a mirror can be the most powerful weapon against untruth. Great post.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love the song "Stronger" by Clarkson! One of my favorites since it came out. I also like "Stronger" by Mandisa, Christian artist! I know I'm not in the exact same situation as you, but every time you write about it and share it on here it touches me a lot and I see there are many, many commonalities we share. I pray that you find all the strength, grace, and hope you need today. Stand strong, love God, love your kids and your husband. You can make it through this and be stronger. It is true. I tell myself the same every single day! Have a good day.

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts with me.