Sunday, August 5, 2012

the truth will set you free - but first it's going to hurt

Most of my life I have turned to the piano for comfort when the tears overpower the words. But the boys are sleeping, and so I sit here trying to find the right words.

I do not understand a parent rejecting a child. I didn't understand it two decades ago, and now, as a mother, I understand it even less. I have failed my boys in many ways in their short time on earth so far, but the one thing I know is I will never lie to them. I will never reject them. I will never leave them. I will always do whatever it takes to have a relationship with them.

Throughout my life I have cried myself to sleep, screaming to the ceiling or into a pillow, "WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH?!" What kind of parent does not defend his child? What kind of parent rejects a daughter over and over and over again? What kind of parent chooses the comfort of lies over the power and freedom of truth?

I would step in front of a bullet, a moving train, a bomb for my children. And yet I am once again pushed in front of the onslaught of lies and left without a defender.

Or so it would seem.

Tonight I was reminded that I am not rejected. I am chosen. I am rescued. I am loved. And I am worthy of fighting for and defending.  Tonight I experienced the love of God through the words and actions of my husband, stepping in to speak up for me when I no longer had the strength. Tonight I knew for certain that I am good enough.

And what the enemy wants to use for evil is somehow already being used for good - being used for my healing. It's just going to continue to hurt for awhile in the process.

1 comment:

  1. I am so sorry you've had to experience what I would consider the worst rejection just about anyone ever could experience - that of a parent or parents! I have to say, though I am not familiar with your situation, I have been rejected numerous times in the past several years of my life by both parents and my only sibling. Not only rejected, but attacked, manipulated, and many other very unkind things that no human being -- let alone family who should love each other above others -- should do to another human being.

    That being said, though I still struggle generally every day, I also have found healing in the God who loves me unconditionally. He loves us without regret, without strings attached, without manipulation, and in spite of our flaws and sins!

    And a supportive husband who will stand up with you and for you is such a blessing! My husband has been both a great listener and supporter, and a wall of protection for me through this ordeal.

    Just felt like sharing and also thanking you for sharing so openly! I understand the hurt a parent can cause their child, and I pray today that God will heal your heart and bind your wounds. Keep being a loving, godly mom!! :)

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