Most of my life I have turned to the piano for comfort when the tears overpower the words. But the boys are sleeping, and so I sit here trying to find the right words.
I do not understand a parent rejecting a child. I didn't understand it two decades ago, and now, as a mother, I understand it even less. I have failed my boys in many ways in their short time on earth so far, but the one thing I know is I will never lie to them. I will never reject them. I will never leave them. I will always do whatever it takes to have a relationship with them.
Throughout my life I have cried myself to sleep, screaming to the ceiling or into a pillow, "WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH?!" What kind of parent does not defend his child? What kind of parent rejects a daughter over and over and over again? What kind of parent chooses the comfort of lies over the power and freedom of truth?
I would step in front of a bullet, a moving train, a bomb for my children. And yet I am once again pushed in front of the onslaught of lies and left without a defender.
Or so it would seem.
Tonight I was reminded that I am not rejected. I am chosen. I am rescued. I am loved. And I am worthy of fighting for and defending. Tonight I experienced the love of God through the words and actions of my husband, stepping in to speak up for me when I no longer had the strength. Tonight I knew for certain that I am good enough.
And what the enemy wants to use for evil is somehow already being used for good - being used for my healing. It's just going to continue to hurt for awhile in the process.