Wednesday, June 13, 2012

I cried in front of strangers today

Grady had his OT and Speech evaluation this afternoon. I answered all of the questions, they observed and played with and evaluated him.  He is low-tone (which we knew), and he has proprioception and sensory issues (which we figured). The OT was concerned with his vision (which we were in the "early days," but after two appointments to the pediatric opthamologist we kept being told he was fine...grrrr!) - and they gave us the name of an optometrist that is excellent in town. His eyes are probably healthy, but the low tone appears to be causing vision issues. I am thankful for the insight and the referral, but frustrated that the previous "expert" just brushed us off.

They gave me a lot of information as they shared the results of the assessment.  In the end it turns out my eighteen month old is developmentally 8-10 months old. We still do not know all of the causes of these delays, but the issues we do understand we are going to tackle and pray that they improve. The therapists were so kind and gracious, and they explained how we will proceed once all of the paper work and such is taken care of.

I tried to stop myself, but the tears just quietly poured out when they explained things to me.  I felt exactly how I felt three years ago in the NICU with Cole, when we had a big setback, and they took him off his food again. I remember sitting at his incubator just crying, and the NICU OT, Ashley came over and just let me cry with her, an almost stranger. The same sinking, can't hold back the tears any longer moment happened again, this time over my youngest and in front of two strangers.

The thoughts pound in my head and in my heart. Why is what I have done as his mommy not enough? It is so disheartening today to know that I have done "my job,", but that it is still not enough. We read, we sing, and we don't watch very much tv. We go to the park and the zoo. We snuggle. I nursed him for fourteen months. I have pushed for every referral/appointment I could get without looking like a crazy mom (and even still pushed when I was doubted). I have investigated any potential "diagnosis" that I think may fit so that we can have the most early intervention possible.  It feels like I have failed somewhere, even though I can see the facts on paper.

The tears still flow too easily right now, taking the place of the words that are scattered and awkward and not enough.

5 comments:

  1. Praying and crying with you! Please don't doubt yourself. You are an extraordinary mom and no one is a stronger advocate for her children than you are. Love you!!

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  2. I'm not a crier much either, but being a mom has softened me. There's absolutely nothing wrong with crying, letting those emotions out. You are going through a lot! You have done so much for your son and advocated for him tremendously; never doubt that. Praying for you and Grady as you take more steps ahead.

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  3. I've been reading here for several years, since some long ago blog hop (I think?), but I'm horrible at taking the time to comment, but needed to offer some mama-support today. My youngest is just over six months and in that time we have seen doctor after doctor for a minor birth defect (that turned out to need no further action), low weight gain, severe reflux, torticollis, and finally plagiocephaly. My poor baby has been scanned and poked and prodded, and measured. And while we are finally on an upswing, each new diagnosis felt like a personal failure. It's so hard to watch them struggle. I don't really have any magic words, but wanted to de-lurk to let you know how 100% normal your tears and frustrations are. Prayers for you and your boys.

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  4. Oh I'm sorry! I feel for you and pray that the answers you need will come quickly and fully. And please don't feel that anything is not as it should be due to you....it sounds to me like you're more of a wonderful mom than many out there, and I'm certain you couldn't have done any better! God bless you and encourage you today with His Holy Spirit! - Rachel

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  5. I'm sorry to hear it was a rough visit. I've had my share of rough days and I know they take a while to shake off. I wish I could spare you the heartache. But tomorrow is always better than yesterday. The passage of time will grant clarity and you will see that its not about what you think you didn't do, its about what you know DID do. You will also come to see that this is Grady's journey. The more admiration and respect you have for him as he makes his journey and meets his challenges, the less pity and self doubt you will have for yourself. Its the natural evolution of parenting and it will bring you peace.

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Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts with me.