Wednesday, April 4, 2012

not alone

Somewhere around 10:30 this morning I found myself falling into one of those days. The boys have been fantastic today. So it's not them. It's me.

 I held it together till The Hubs got home around lunchtime.  Then I cried at the sink, chopping onions and green peppers, when all I really wanted for lunch was a cheeseburger and a soda and a new car and a vacation and....

The Hubs put his hand on my shoulder and let me cry. And we had a giftcard for a burger place, so we piled in the car and went.  I still cried as we waited for our food.

This discontentment is so easy. It doesn't feel good, but it is comfortable in a weird sort of way.

Once home again, I felt bad about feeling bad. When that cycle starts all I want to do is sit on the couch and eat brownies.  But alas! There are no brownies at my house today.

Instead I ended up reading Emily and Amber's posts, which both made me cry. They both made me feel not alone, too.  I think that is what I really want -  to not feel alone. To not feel alone in my world of sharing a car with a husband who has a crazy schedule because he works hard to put food on the table and let me stay home. To not feel alone in the "I love staying at home with the kids, but I hate housework." To not feel alone in the "I wonder if I am doing this mom thing right?"

I forced myself to do some work on the closet/dresser organizing I've been working on for ... well, awhile.  Surprisingly it felt better. And right now I can see Bubby climbing on his bed in a t-shirt and underwear, not napping. Somehow that makes me smile and feel better, too.  So I will close this computer and get out the Windex because it's small group night around here. And I know that will make me feel better, too. We are not alone in this - not alone in trying to grasp at the good gifts, small as they sometimes are. We are not alone.


3 comments:

  1. I had that day yesterday. You are not alone.

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  2. You need to grade yourself on a curve...don't forget that. I am sure you are doing great in reality.

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  3. Loved the honesty. A friend with a new baby wrote me (and a group of other moms) yesterday because she is frustrated with breastfeeding...baby won't latch, is losing weight, etc. I could hear her sobbing almost as I read her plea for help. She asked about switching to formula, etc. I was frustrated when I read someone else's response about how beautiful breastfeeding is, how good it is for the baby. All true, but all this girl wanted to hear was that she wasn't alone and instead someone offered her more reason's to feel guilty. Parenting is rough, and knowing someone else walks in your shoes is the greatest comfort sometimes. That is why I appreciate your honesty. Perhaps if more moms were honest about the difficult and real aspects of the journey, we would all be better and stop trying to achieve an ideal...

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Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts with me.