Monday, April 16, 2012

the marriage letters - I trust you because...

joining Amber and others this month for The Marriage Letters

Dear M,

Trust is such a hard word for me.  Over the last seven years, you have taken on every piece of baggage labeled "trust issues" that I brought with me into our relationship.  You have taken some gently. Other pieces you have had to pry from my death grip.  I hang on so tightly to my trust issues so that at least if my worst fears come true I can shout from the rooftops - "See! I knew this would happen!" To trust is to release control or rather the illusion of control. The idea of complete release terrifies me.

It is not fair to you. You have never abandoned me. You have never broken promises. You have never set out to deceive me. Yet I still hold off trusting you completely because of what other men have done to my heart before my heart even had a chance to know you. I hate that I do this.

So I remind myself of why and how and when I trust you.  I trust you because you have never abandoned me. Even in my ugliest moments, even in our hardest times, you do not leave. I trust you because you are kind. I trust you because you stand your ground and you do not take crap from people, even when that means not taking it from me.  I trust you because I know you would give your life to protect the boys and me. I trust you because you tell me that I am pretty, but you also tell me when I should get some color on my legs before wearing a dress. :) I trust you because you are doing everything within your means to help me fulfill my desire to stay at home, even though you could go either way on the issue. I trust you because you apologize when you screw up AND you accept my apologies when it's my fault. I trust you because at the end of the day I have never felt more secure than I do when I put my head next to yours, crowding you on your pillow. I trust you because you did not smash cake in my face at our wedding.
I have come a long way with my trust issues, but a long way isn't far enough. Yet you are gracious and patient, even amidst what I am sure are frustrating moments  with me. Saying, "I trust you as much as I am able to," seems so shallow in print. It breaks my heart to type it out, but I would not be honest if I acted like I have this trust-thing all together. I do trust you. Not as much as I could without years of heartbreak in my past, but the wounds from others are healing and my trust in you is growing every day.  Thank you for enduring with me. Thank you for being the man that I can trust.

Love,
A


3 comments:

  1. Beautiful :) Marriage is work, but so worth it! The biggest challenge can be acknowledging you have something to work on. Good for you!

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  2. If I had a dollar for every presumption about men/relationships I brought into my marriage... my husband wouldn't have to work because we could both live off that stack of gold forever. Then at least we would have a glimmer (say, in the form of diamonds) of joy in my trust issues because they pay our bills and feed us steak.

    What you said about reminding yourself of why and how and when to trust... You're absolutely right. In my sudden realization recently that marriage is actually work -- sometimes a lot of work, and sometimes just a little work -- part of the "work" is reminding ourselves why we love one another. For so long, that concept seemed so silly to me. So immature marriage like. Really, what happy couple needs to remind themselves they love one another?

    But the truth is... every couple. And we are not exempt. We must remind ourselves that we have no reason to not trust, and that we have every reason to work hard and work harder when our marriages need it.

    Thanks for your words of insight.

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  3. This is so good!
    Keep at it! Trust takes time...you will get there!!!!

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Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts with me.