Sunday, April 22, 2012

enduring loss together

joining with Amber and Joy for The Marriage Letters

Dear M,
I don't want to write about loss. I don't want to describe losing our first pregnancy, losing my grandfather, losing dreams and hopes, losing friendships and relationships, losing hope and trust.  Each of these things remind me how much of a battle life is. When I think about these times, I just want to cry. Crying is my coping mechanism. You are often solid and steady. Me? Most of the time I tell you I want to put the blankets over my head and wake up in a month or two.

I still have too many questions - questions that you listen to me hash out with you in the wee hours of the night. I still have too many frustrations - prayers that you hear me pour out to God, even in anger. I know you have questions and frustrations too during these times. But you handle them so differently.  You are steady and even.  I look at you and sometimes I get frustrated with your lack of ... well, with your lack of being like me.

But I am also thankful that you are not like me in these times. I am thankful for your steadiness. I am thankful for the way you let me cry on your shoulder but also for the way you don't want me to just wallow. I am a wallow-er by nature, and you are not.

There is more loss ahead of us in this lifetime. This overwhelms me to really consider.  And there is no great way to end this letter. Just hold my hand, babe. Help me remember during those times what we have already endured so that I am able to hang on and carry on despite the heartache.
Love,
A

11 comments:

  1. It is so good to have someone to pray those frustrated prayers with. Often Travis has to drag those prayers out of me, but he does it in love and grace. He sits silent and waits for me to pour out my heart, and by the end I'm in tears, broken with my best friend. It is good to be loved by these men.
    Thank you for posting!
    Kait

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    1. It IS good to be loved by men like them. Thanks for your comment.

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  2. I try not to think about the loss that lies ahead either. It's too overwhelming. And worrying about it doesn't help anything. You and your husband sound a lot like my husband and I!

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    1. No, worrying doesn't help. Some seasons I do much better than others. I was thinking how you and your husband sounded like people my husband and I could relate to when I read your letter today.

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  3. Beautiful words, Amanda. I, too, am considerably overwhelmed at even the thought of loss in my future. So much so that just the fear of it is enough to keep a cupcake or pint of ice cream in front of me at all times. I really like the way you've ended your letter because it reminds me of the comfort holding the hand of the person you love really is. And that is comforting.

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    1. I think some of this overwhelming feeling came from a powerful, but scary, story that was shared yesterday at the worship gathering I attend. It made me once again realize how short life is. BUT it also encouraged me to live like each moment could be the last. Trying to keep that perspective and live life fully. Not always easy.

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    2. Not easy at all... Unfortunately, when I let my mind adrift down the "life is short" alley, I come out of the other end thinking -- let's drain our bank accounts and fly to Italy and eat real italian pizza. I must remember the morale of "life is short" is to live fearlessly, but not irresponsibly :)

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  4. Hi...yes...isn't wonderful God made men different from us...we need their steadiness ,their gentle strength. When fear comes to rob from peace...remember...build those ebenezers of how God's grace and mercy walked you through the valleys...He will never leave or forsake. Blessings to you~

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    1. Gentle strength indeed. Thanks for stopping by and reminding me that He walks with us.

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  5. "I look at you and sometimes I get frustrated with your lack of ... well, with your lack of being like me."...I feel the same about Dave sometimes. He is so solid and even and I am...well...usually and mess of lost patience and tears! So grateful for partners in life who provide balance and who often remind us how Jesus loves us.

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    1. Wish you guys lived closer (cuz you know we don't do snow, haha) Some time the EIGHT of us have to get together. We'd have such fun I think.

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Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts with me.