Thursday, February 2, 2012

groundhog day

Always such a weird day.  I am reposting this from last year.  Happy third birthday, Baby of Mine in heaven.

I pause and think
about what this day might have been...
a second birthday.

And I remember
the surprise and joy at finding out
you were
here
first child of mine

And the devastation of losing you
after
just
nine
weeks
never seeing your face
or hands
or feet
just a dot
on the black and white screen
but a dot that was
life

a life that slipped away

I remember
realizing something was wrong
and the drive across the miles in an unknown town
with mom and aunt and cousin
and a trunk
full
of maternity clothes
a hospital, more driving, another hospital
and tossing and turning in my mom's bed
like a child instead of a grown woman
because husband was a state away
as my body betrayed me

There are few losses such as this
and today I remember
you
and wonder just a moment what might have been

with a tinge of guilt

because if you were here
then one,
maybe two others,
would not be
and I feel a twist in my stomach
as I try to balance the sadness of loss
with the joy of what came
later

so today I will just say
thank you
for teaching me to love
as a mama
for the very first time

4 comments:

  1. It's a beautiful poem, a wonderful use of words to honor and remember a little life.

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  2. this is beautiful, sad, and hopeful. thinking of you today.

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  3. In tears...I've been away from blogging for a bit, so this is the first I've read in a while. You're so strong, and I love reading about what God puts on your heart--even in difficult and incomprehensible times.

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  4. Absolutely beautiful and very touching. Awesome way of looking at the blessings that still came from moments of loss. God bless you! - Rachel

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