Thursday, February 2, 2012

groundhog day

Always such a weird day.  I am reposting this from last year.  Happy third birthday, Baby of Mine in heaven.

I pause and think
about what this day might have been...
a second birthday.

And I remember
the surprise and joy at finding out
you were
first child of mine

And the devastation of losing you
never seeing your face
or hands
or feet
just a dot
on the black and white screen
but a dot that was

a life that slipped away

I remember
realizing something was wrong
and the drive across the miles in an unknown town
with mom and aunt and cousin
and a trunk
of maternity clothes
a hospital, more driving, another hospital
and tossing and turning in my mom's bed
like a child instead of a grown woman
because husband was a state away
as my body betrayed me

There are few losses such as this
and today I remember
and wonder just a moment what might have been

with a tinge of guilt

because if you were here
then one,
maybe two others,
would not be
and I feel a twist in my stomach
as I try to balance the sadness of loss
with the joy of what came

so today I will just say
thank you
for teaching me to love
as a mama
for the very first time


  1. It's a beautiful poem, a wonderful use of words to honor and remember a little life.

  2. this is beautiful, sad, and hopeful. thinking of you today.

  3. In tears...I've been away from blogging for a bit, so this is the first I've read in a while. You're so strong, and I love reading about what God puts on your heart--even in difficult and incomprehensible times.

  4. Absolutely beautiful and very touching. Awesome way of looking at the blessings that still came from moments of loss. God bless you! - Rachel


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