In just a few short days I turn thirty-one. I think I am less enthused about this particular birthday than the previous one. When I hear thirty-one, I typically think of two things. First of all, I think of 31 Flavors (Baskin Robbins) and the beloved summer flavor, bubble gum ice cream. Then I think of Proverbs 31 and I actually feel myself sigh an overwhelmed huff because "she" represents the woman I will never completely be - the unattainable picture of perfection.
Perhaps I would not be quite as down about this birthday if it didn't also correspond with needing to get a new driver's license picture. I LOVED my old picture. This is saying a lot. I am the girl who always has a terrible yearbook/passport/id picture. I either look like the deer in the headlights (and I hate deer anyway), a druggie (which I am not nor ever have been), or a weird cross between the two. There was also the year, I believe my sophomore year of high school, when they did photo make-ups without warning --- which for me meant in the middle of Early Bird P.E. class. Lovely. Early plus gym t-shirt plus not knowing it was picture day equals worst picture ever.
Maybe I'm not looking forward to this birthday because I feel like I didn't do a whole lot of significant things in my thirtieth year (other than continuing to raise my two precious boys, which I realize IS signifcant).
This year I am focusing on being intentional, but just two weeks into the new year, the idea of being intentional is slightly overwhelming, and I think I would have been better off picking the word "lazy" - the year of staying in sweatpants, eating premade chocolate chip cookie dough, and watching lots of reality t.v. I am pretty sure I could succeed at that if given the chance.
So I sit on this Sunday afternoon contemplating how much I still feel like that confused, frustrated, yet hopeful seventeen year old of not-so-long-ago.
Memories of birthday parties in my old basement with pizza, Speed (the movie not the drug), sleeping bags, and dance parties with the dearest friends a girl could have keep swirling in my head today. There is a part of me wishing I could have a little bit of that back - the innocence, the hopefulness, the world still completely uncharted by me.
How I do intentionally live each day with hope, adventure, diligence, optimism, and fun of a teenager balanced with the practicality, wisdom, life experiences, and discipline of a mommy of two?
I think the starting point (or maybe continuing point) for me this year is the gift of friendship - quality over quantity. It will be cultivating relationships with various people both younger and older and at my phase, not just for me to grow from, but hopefully for each of us to grow as a result of. I am praying I would be discerning, that the doors would open (or stay open), that I would be bold when I need to be in seeking out friendships, and rest when I am supposed to just wait and observe.
This entry really lacks a closing point, which bothers me. Maybe it is symbolic. My life doesn't get to fall into a nice five paragraph essay, but rather it is cluttered with run-ons and fragments and sometimes an unclear thesis.