Sunday, November 20, 2011

loaves and fish

"Discipleship is always an issue of relationship. It is not about curriculum, church attendance, rules, indoctrination, but always about reaching the heart." Sally Clarkson
For several years, I have avoided getting involved. Getting attached.  I wanted to avoid getting hurt. Hurt by leaving. Hurt by rejection. Hurt by being let down. 
We weren't supposed to be here, in this town, this long.
I was going to get involved at our next place, wherever that would be. When I had more time and money and friends and life experience. More to offer.
But we are still here. With less time and money and friends. More stress and more responsibility.  And still not much to offer.
And it is now that I have finally told God yes. I will be open. I will be vulnerable. I will be involved in whatever capacity You deem appropriate for this season.  I will offer what little I have because the One who fed thousands on a few loaves of bread and a couple of fish can surely take little ol' me and use it for some purpose somehow some way.
It isn't much.  It is a four-minute conversation on a Sunday morning.  Leftover pasta shared on a Tuesday evening.  A text offering an invite that didn't work out, but at least I put it out there.  Last year I wouldn't have even put it out there for fear of disappointment or embarrassment.   This "new" me is not disappointed but thrilled that I just took a step out of my comfort zone.
I could sit here and regret the years I avoided so much for so many reasons. But that would not benefit anyone.  Instead, I am thankful that I finally let go of some of my hang-ups, and in doing so I am being blessed by a whole new set of people, young and not-so-young, that are teaching me about community.
It is not all sunshine and lollipops. I have questions and insecurities.  There are other aspects of life that are still stressing me out.  But in this area, I am excited to see what God is going to do in me and through me.  I am starting to get some peace. And that is worth quite a bit.

1 comment:

  1. Beautiful! And yea for you! SO happy for you. Believe it or not, I actually understand and empathize with a lot of what you wrote above. I struggle sometimes on a daily basis even now. But we can do this with God's strength in us, right!?!? :) God bless you! I haven't been reading many blogs for a while and I missed yours so I'm back on today! Drop in to my blog some time! Happy Thanksgiving! - Rachel


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