"Unrelenting disappointment leaves you heartsick,
but a sudden good break can turn life around." Proverbs 13:12
Do not open medical mail on the weekends. That was what an older friend of mine advised me with all of the hospital bills we have had the last two years.Yet today I opened one from our insurance company because we have automatic withdrawal,
so surely it wasn't a bill.
Instead it was a letter saying insurance for The Hubs and I is going up X-amount per month in September. The amount is just slightly under the amount we just cut out of our budget if our re-fi goes through.
Discouraged doesn't even seem to begin to explain what I felt, but the good news is I did not cry or say something I shouldn't or even get crabby and take it out on those around me. Instead there was just a car ride conversation with The Hubs about the mysteries of faith and the world and blessings and disappointments.
All around me I see friends and loved ones of mine, friends much better people than I am, whose hope seems to be deferred. I don't understand.
And then I read this and the tears well up.
As I type and think simultaneously, I start humming "His Eye is on the Sparrow." I can hear the first two verses in the voices of the girls' ensemble I was in during high school.
Whenever I am tempted,
Whenever clouds arise,
When songs give place to sighing,
When hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him,
From care He sets me free:
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He cares for me;
"I draw the closer to Him." Which starts me on another song:
I am Thine, O Lord, I have heard Thy voice,
And it told Thy love to me;
But I long to rise in the arms of faith
And be closer drawn to Thee.
Draw me nearer, nearer blessed Lord,
To the cross where Thou hast died;
Draw me nearer, nearer, nearer blessed Lord,
To Thy precious, bleeding side.
Which reminds me of this verse:
"I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death," Phil. 3:10
The mail is not suffering. It was disappointing. But it is teaching me to draw close to the One Who will never disappoint, Who will be my constant Hope.
There are depths of love that I cannot know
Till I cross the narrow sea;
There are heights of joy that I may not reach
Till I rest in peace with Thee.
Oh growing pains, you are worth it, I know.