Wednesday, February 2, 2011

feb.2

I pause and think
about what this day might have been...
a second birthday.

And I remember
the surprise and joy at finding out
you were
here
first child of mine

And the devastation of losing you
after
just
nine
weeks
never seeing your face
or hands
or feet
just a dot
on the black and white screen
but a dot that was
life

a life that slipped away

I remember
realizing something was wrong
and the drive across the miles in an unknown town
with mom and aunt and cousin
and a trunk
full
of maternity clothes
a hospital, more driving, another hospital
and tossing and turning in my mom's bed
like a child instead of a grown woman
because husband was a state away
as my body betrayed me

There are few losses such as this
and today I remember
you
and wonder just a moment what might have been

with a tinge of guilt

because if you were here
then one,
maybe two others,
would not be
and I feel a twist in my stomach
as I try to balance the sadness of loss
with the joy of what came
later

so today I will just say
thank you
for teaching me to love
as a mama
for the very first time

11 comments:

  1. oh my.
    I don't have words for this.
    I have tears.

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  2. life is complicated...sad...beautiful all at once. I'm so sorry for your loss and happy for your joy.
    gentle steps

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  3. Wow, this is very well written. My sister and sister-in-law both faced the same thing more than once, and I think you express the emotion of it very well.

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  4. This is poignant and beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story.

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  5. *hugs* as always, your writing is beautiful even when sorrowful.

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  6. i'm crying.

    i have been there, too, friend... and it does feel like your body is betraying you... i take comfort in knowing we will meet these eldest children in heaven, where they are perfect and whole. so much love to you tonight...

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  7. I think this is one of the most honest literary approaches to the topic I've seen. Thank you so much for that.

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  8. Thank you so much for sharing this. I do not have birth children. But in some way, this expresses feelings I have about the sons we adopted. They each experienced unspeakable devastation and trauma as young boys and I have that same twist in my stomach when I think about it. No child deserves that kind of treatment...and yet... here they are. The loves of my life. Were it not for their sufferings, would my life have such joy?

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Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts with me.