Friday, December 17, 2010

are we there yet?

I have not updated as much lately because honestly I am just stinkin' tired.
My life right now is: get up, pump, go to NICU, come home spend a little time with Bubby, pump, play with Bubby, make us lunch, pump, get Bubby to take a nap (and if he does try to take one too), pump, go to NICU, eat dinner, pump, go to NICU, come home hopefully in time to put Bubby to bed.
Somedays the schedule varies a little bit based on The Hubs work schedule. I may have the NICU visit at a different point in the day. On average I get there three times  day - sometimes two, sometimes four - which makes me feel horrible because I was there almost every feeding time for Bubby.  And it makes me feel horrible that I also would update this blog every day for Bubby and for Mac2.0 it is when I get around to it.
But I have a toddler at home.  And The Hubs work schedule varies unlike before.  And this is winter not summer so that just makes things different in a few ways.

Mac2.0 is still sleeping through most of his feeds.  He has a decent one now and then, and yesterday he had one really awesome round, and I got my hopes up only to have them dashed.  They moved him out of the incubator today.  We shall see if he can keep his temps up.

Today was a rough day, and I don't really know why.  Parts of my day were great.  A good friend came to visit us at the NICU today, and my sister-in-law was able to come up with me tonight.  The stres of the day wasn't really different than any other day this week, I think I am just tired of not having my baby home with me. I am tired of not seeing any progress. I am tired of feeling like the way the NICU system works my baby doesn't really have a nurse watching him/helping us very much (depending on the nurse) because the other baby they are assigned to is having bigger issues. (And I feel bad for that baby because I think he/she seems to be needing constant care and that breaks my heart for that family AND I think that baby should have a nurse all to himself/herself).  I am tired of feeling like I am not around enough for Bubby and that somehow he is getting the shaft, and I am tired of feeling like I am not around enough for Mac2.0 and that he is not getting held/touched/talked to enough.
I hate that he is not very alert when I am there (or anyone is there).  This wasn't a problem for Bubby.  Bubby had other issues, more issues actually, but the ones that Mac2.0 has break my heart just as much because I just want him to get better so he can come home.  It is a very unnatural thing for a mama to only be able to hold her newborn for a couple of hours a day - at scheduled times - with bells and whistles going off and wires attached and yellow gown on - and then at the end of the day have to leave that little baby behind in someone else's care - knowing that no matter how wonderfully trained the medical people are, that they will not watch and care for and love that little guy as much as I do.
And I think I have hit my breaking point today.  Because it sucks that my stupid uterus for some unknown reason does not keep babies inside long enough for me to have a "normal" mama-ing experience. 
And yet at the same moment I know that at some point my baby will come home, it just isn't as soon as I want.  Just this week someone I know lost their baby that was due this month.  And someone else I know is waiting for the paperwork to work out for them to bring their baby home.  And other people I know are still waiting on a baby of their own.
So I will stop this pity-party.  I just needed to vent it out.  Because I have heard from people how I am holding it together - and I am most days, most hours, most moments - but not every moment.

3 comments:

  1. Love you!

    Cousin Michelle

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  2. Oh Amanda. ((hugs)) Prayers going up for you all

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  3. Being a Mom of 2 is more than twice as hard as being a Mom of 1...know what I mean? Learning to balance them both will be a process. But you would have to do it whether Mac 2.0 was in the NICU or not. We wish things weren't so stressful for you. But it will become easier...and I know you know that, because you have the correct positive outlook on life. Keep your head up. You're doing great.

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