Today I miss my grandfather. In just a few days, it will be one year since he went home. And at different times I think about him and miss him. But I went to bed last night thinking about how I wish he was still here with us all.
And I wonder what he thinks from his viewpoint now about his family as he observes some of us lately. I know he would be extremely proud of my mom - the only daughter he knew he could really count on 100% - and how she is still trying to take care of things, just like she did her best to help my grandmother take care of him. At his funeral last November, I overheard so many people mention this and some came up to me directly and said how much a help my mother had been to her parents. My mom doesn't do things out of obligation. If you know her and know her personality (from which I get a good portion of mine), she will not do anything she doesn't want to do. (She inherited that from Papa.) She helps people because she loves and cares about them.
But I am digressing a bit here...
I think Papa would be sad at some of the things he is seeing. And that makes me sad. Almost sad enough to be like, "I should just ignore poor behavior and act like everything is okay." But I know for a fact my grandfather would not want me to do that. I know because of conversations I had with him. I know because over the years he saw me have to face a variety of difficult situations where I had to take a stand for what is right, even when it meant people not liking me or my decisions, and he always had my back. He would talk to me about his days as a fire chief, losing friends over making unpopular decisions, but how it was always important to do the right thing.
And you know what? In this mess that I somehow became involved in just by trying to get to the truth, I have done the right thing. There is one small statement I made last night to someone that wasn't the wisest, but it wasn't the worst thing either. I was just trying to play someone's game, which I shouldn't have because I am better than that. So I'm sorry, Papa, although I think you know my reasoning behind it, and I will apologize to that person for that one small statement. But everything else I have said is truth. And I will not apologize for that. And I can hear my grandfather's voice saying, "You don't have to. Stand your ground."
(Note: Some of you may be wondering if this has to do with my brother. Not at all. We typically have one argument a year, get everything out in the open, grow from it, and move on. I do much better with that than what I am dealing with right now.)