I was in a funk off and on all day. I could not shake it. I did not want it. I was consciously aware of feeling down, but like I said to someone today, my mood/feelings clung to me like a sock clings to a towel right out of the dryer.
The Hubs and I were just feeling discouraged. We do things right. We live within our means. We do not ask for handouts from people or establishments or governments. We are thankful for the gifts we receive. We honestly don't want much. We would like to live in a safer neighborhood. We would like to not have medical bills and upcoming medical bills. We make smart decisions with our money - my credit score is in the ninety-seventh percentile. We tithe. We give But sometimes we look around and we wonder, "Why are things not working out the way we want?" And when these gloomy days come I sometimes want to throw up my hands and say, "What is the point? I will just be like everybody else." But I don't really want to be like everybody else. I want some of the things they have, but I'm sure there are things that come with the baggage of having all (or most) of the things that you want that I am not aware of.
Last month at our women's retreat, Alicia Chole asked a lot of questions. One of the ones that stood out to me then and now was when she asked, "Are there any if-then euqaitons in your soul?.... If God 'behaves,' then I will_______, but if He doesn't 'behave,' then_______"
This is me, friends. This is my struggle.
If God meets my expectations, then I will trust Him. If not, well, then I will not, at least not really, truly completely.
If God provides in the way I need/want/desire Him to, then I will be content. If not, then I will whine/complain/mope.
This isn't to say that I can't be real with God, can't ask Him questions (that is another Alicia point I want to write about at another time), but I have to surrender the if-then equations, first with Him, and then with others.
And I really just wanted to not write this - not type out the struggles and questions and complaints of my soul today, but I think in being authentic there is healing. And with that the ability to open my eyes and be grateful for all that I have been given - this week and beyond.
With that said, I join Ann to count my blessings:
327. time to nest
328. Bubby laughing when The Hubs ridiculously asks, "Do you have any gum?"
329. Thanksgiving plans and groceries
330. lots of clients lined up for The Hubs shortened work week
331. thirty-two weeks
332. Bubby requesting the song "Itsy Bitsy Spider" with some hand movements
333. our physical therapist
334. gloomies that only last a day and mercies new for the morning
335. flannel sheets
336. homemade noodles and the sweet memories they bring