Monday, July 26, 2010

Multitude Monday 120-133 and other thoughts

At the Beth Moore study on Wednesday night, Beth said something that was convicting as she talked about loneliness we feel sometimes (herself included).  I don't remember the direct quote, but she was talking about how busy we are these days and that relationships just aren't deep like they used to be.  We don't connect as often, we don't communicate as well, etc.  And she touched on how we get together with old friends, and we feel/say things like, "It's just like old times!" or "I love how we can pick up like we left off!" and part of the reason we can say that is because we haven't made any deep friendships since then.  Ouch!  The truth hurts!
Since returning to this college town five years ago, I have made a lot of acquaintances and casual friendships, but deep friendships?  Call in the middle of the night friendships?  Call them to bail me out of jail friendships?  I can think of just a couple - and even as I type this I think, "Would I call them in the middle of the night?" Not because they aren't wonderful people who wouldn't pick up the phone, but because I think are we really close enough that I could actually do that?  I think so, but...
And I can honestly say my lack of really deep friendships at this phase of my life- the type I had growing up and in college - is my own fault.  I spent my time on teaching, taking grad classes, watching my husband be a full time student, and then in this last year, my time has been pretty much spent mommy-ing.  All of these things I have loved, (well, I AM glad Hubby is done with classes for right now), but it helped me keep people at arm's length. I  figured we were only going to be in town for a max of five years, and this is a very transitional town, so I didn't want to invest that much in people only to leave.  And now the five years are up, and it looks like despite our efforts to leave, we are here for another two years at least.
So here I am this week, kicking myself for not trying harder to really get to know more people, let my guard down, trust, share, and have fun.  I was pleasantly surprised to find out, through a conversation with a good acquaintance, that I was not alone.  She was having similar thoughts, and our situations in many ways are similar, so we are getting out of our comfort zones and going to coffee, and trying not to think, "...but I'm only going to be here for so long, and..."
I'm sure this is a rambling post, but in some ways it is me making a commitment to be the "old" me - the girl who, though quiet until you get to know her, is a fun and loyal friend.  And this is also somewhat of an apology for holding so many people around here at arm's length in order not to get hurt.  I think the unintended consequences of doing so were almost as bad as what would have happened if a friendship did not work out or I had to let it go.
Phew!
On to the gratitude:

holy experience

120. conversations on the car ride to and from the Beth Moore study
121. hubby having a few days off as we go through the job transition
122. PG class cookout
123. seeing Bubs in the pool for the first time - he LOVED it
124. when I hear the same message(s) over and over again from different sources, and it finally sinks in
125. upcoming best friend time in August
126. hearing "mamamamama" much more frequently - even if it isn't always in reference to me! :)
127. being complimented on how well Buddy's doing in physical therapy - now I know how parents felt at conference time
128. chips and salsa
129. blogging friends
130. the phone call from the library saying my books are ready for pick up
131. strawberry shortcake
132. on draft Sprecher's cream soda
133. a clean/decluttered coffee table

2 comments:

  1. I took a Beth Moore study but had to drop out half way through:( I am looking for another one, because that half touched my life.
    I get where you are coming from. I really don't have any close friends anymore and it is so hard. It is even harder to make friends at this stage in life! Your right, life sometimes puts us through a sequence of things and we just get so busy that we get a new list of priorities.
    "Letting my guard down" has been on my list of things to do...but it is hard. What if I feel rejection?? AHHHH! I couldn't handle that!
    Seriously, I'm with you on this one, in the same boat!
    I enjoyed reading your gratitude, lovely list.

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  2. i remember being in college and how easy it was to meet and make friends: who are you, where are you from, what is your major, etc... it was instant access to like-minded people. i always assumed motherhood would be the same, yet it's not! yes, you can ask after little ones, etc but so often iv'e been at the park and learned the little boys' names and their likes but not even asked the mom's name. sigh... this is a hard, transitional stage away from my college girlfriends and yet not really knowing anyone in my current town.
    just all that ot say i am like you, not having really made the effort tobe the old me.. i need to be more vulnerable, less shy, and more willing to get out there!!!

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Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts with me.