Thursday, July 29, 2010

What's in a name?

We are trying to figure out what to name Mac 2.0.  My thinking is that since Buddy's real name is unique (and the shortened version of his first name is not too unique) that baby #2 should have similar attributes to his/her name - unique but able to have a nickname.  This is very difficult because I am just too picky!  On top of those qualifications, it has to flow well with our last name (so long "a" sounds are out), it has to have a good meaning, if it's a boy he will probably have Robert for a middle name (like Hubby's is for his dad), and I was thinking I wouldn't start it with the letter C like Buddy's name is. It also can't remind me of any horrible student I have had in my teaching career or conjure up bad feelings of childhood enemies.  Oh, and The Hubs and I have to agree!  Haha!  I know - too many rules!
The girl name we sort of agree on (Hubby really likes it, but I am non-committal) does not follow all of my rules.  It starts with a C, it is not unique, and I have yet to look up the meaning.
So, dear readers - suggestions? 
Names that you have heard that are unique, you like, and you aren't using on your own kids (at least if I know you in real life)... post them here or email me por favor.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

the dance

each night this week
I have begun anticipating
the dance

as my head touches the pillow
I wait, holding my breath
until the symphony begins

tiny flutters bring forth
a lump of joy in my throat
and I swallow and sigh with relief

such a brief reminder -
life is still there -
and I cling to this hope

and whisper, "thank You,"
repeated with each breath
until gratitude overpowers the fear

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

the almost argument

tuesdays unwrapped at cats
The other day either my husband or I commented on how we really couldn't remember when we had last had a fight.
Then last night The Hubs and I almost had an argument. Over something so stupid that I almost laugh now thinking about it. Almost. :)
We had the pre-argument - the warm-up phase which three to five years ago may have led us to fighting about everything under the sun after we moved on past the silly non-issue at hand. But we didn't.
Instead he said something to the effect of "You just always want to be right," and I went to the other room to play with Buddy after saying, "Whatever," and thinking of all the things I would like to really say. (And I am guessing The Hubs went off doing the same.)
But we didn't say them. And I know in my head in just the few minutes before dinner I stopped dwelling on the phrases I would utter to have the last word, and started thinking how I do always like to be right, and if it is worth it on these stupid things. (And on some of the things that aren't so stupid, either.)
Dinner began with "I love you's" and apologies, and I sat grateful and amazed at the difference between the first year of marriage and the fifth. No tears, no yelling, no regretting - just a little wisdom to take a few minutes before we do something we cannot erase.
Just an ordinary Monday night last night, but I am starting to love ordinary.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Multitude Monday 120-133 and other thoughts

At the Beth Moore study on Wednesday night, Beth said something that was convicting as she talked about loneliness we feel sometimes (herself included).  I don't remember the direct quote, but she was talking about how busy we are these days and that relationships just aren't deep like they used to be.  We don't connect as often, we don't communicate as well, etc.  And she touched on how we get together with old friends, and we feel/say things like, "It's just like old times!" or "I love how we can pick up like we left off!" and part of the reason we can say that is because we haven't made any deep friendships since then.  Ouch!  The truth hurts!
Since returning to this college town five years ago, I have made a lot of acquaintances and casual friendships, but deep friendships?  Call in the middle of the night friendships?  Call them to bail me out of jail friendships?  I can think of just a couple - and even as I type this I think, "Would I call them in the middle of the night?" Not because they aren't wonderful people who wouldn't pick up the phone, but because I think are we really close enough that I could actually do that?  I think so, but...
And I can honestly say my lack of really deep friendships at this phase of my life- the type I had growing up and in college - is my own fault.  I spent my time on teaching, taking grad classes, watching my husband be a full time student, and then in this last year, my time has been pretty much spent mommy-ing.  All of these things I have loved, (well, I AM glad Hubby is done with classes for right now), but it helped me keep people at arm's length. I  figured we were only going to be in town for a max of five years, and this is a very transitional town, so I didn't want to invest that much in people only to leave.  And now the five years are up, and it looks like despite our efforts to leave, we are here for another two years at least.
So here I am this week, kicking myself for not trying harder to really get to know more people, let my guard down, trust, share, and have fun.  I was pleasantly surprised to find out, through a conversation with a good acquaintance, that I was not alone.  She was having similar thoughts, and our situations in many ways are similar, so we are getting out of our comfort zones and going to coffee, and trying not to think, "...but I'm only going to be here for so long, and..."
I'm sure this is a rambling post, but in some ways it is me making a commitment to be the "old" me - the girl who, though quiet until you get to know her, is a fun and loyal friend.  And this is also somewhat of an apology for holding so many people around here at arm's length in order not to get hurt.  I think the unintended consequences of doing so were almost as bad as what would have happened if a friendship did not work out or I had to let it go.
On to the gratitude:

holy experience

120. conversations on the car ride to and from the Beth Moore study
121. hubby having a few days off as we go through the job transition
122. PG class cookout
123. seeing Bubs in the pool for the first time - he LOVED it
124. when I hear the same message(s) over and over again from different sources, and it finally sinks in
125. upcoming best friend time in August
126. hearing "mamamamama" much more frequently - even if it isn't always in reference to me! :)
127. being complimented on how well Buddy's doing in physical therapy - now I know how parents felt at conference time
128. chips and salsa
129. blogging friends
130. the phone call from the library saying my books are ready for pick up
131. strawberry shortcake
132. on draft Sprecher's cream soda
133. a clean/decluttered coffee table

Saturday, July 24, 2010

some pictures from a week or so ago (click to make them bigger)

Wake up, Daddy!

climbing onto the changing table shelf
snuggle time
"Help!  I'm stuck!"
finding a place to hide under the crib
a little S.S.R. time amidst the chaos of the toys

Friday, July 23, 2010

Leap Of Faith

Today is Hubby's last day at his job.  This is a step of faith because his new job is pretty much like being self-employed except a company will give him supervision and take care of his billing paperwork.  He has been preparing for this for months, getting all of his ducks in a row, and waiting on the various forms of beauracracy that exist.  We are waiting on the state to give him a number so he can bill certain clients that are referred to him. 
So we take our leap of faith today.  Faith that the last bit of paperwork would finalize SOON.  Faith that he would get tons and tons of clients.  Faith that he will like this job.  Faith that he will get all of his hours in during the next two years so he can be licensed.  Faith that the hiccup with insurance will work out.  Faith that our financial needs will be minimal and that we won't have to dip into savings for too long because he will be seeing people full-time soon.
Everything has been carefully thought through, examined, prayed through, but today it honestly feels like we are jumping off a bridge.  A bridge we have been researching for awhile now, but a bridge, nonetheless.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I used to write poetry

I used to write poetry.  I remember writing a notebook full in sixth grade, filled with rhythm and rhyme.  And through my teenage and young adult years I continued to write, though I dabbled more in free verse.
Poems of faith and heartache and hope and memories.

But I don't remember the last time I have really written a poem - or at least finished a poem.
Poetry is vulnerability, and I don't want to be that naked, that exposed any more.

So instead I lie awake at night writing stanzas in my head, rearranging them instead of sleeping, yet too lazy to get up and get my pen, and forgetting the beauty of the words by the time the alarm clock interrupts my dreams.

This is not finished, I know there is more to it - more to edit and revise, but I know that if I do not take the challenge of posting on Thursdays, my words will continue to remain dormant when I am awake.

Please sell our house
and give us health
and peace
and most of all comfort.

A new car,
a new look,
a new job,
all better than before.

And I wonder
when did I start making shopping lists
instead of impassioned pleas
impromptu praise
and most of all
authentic conversation?

When will I once again be led
instead of trying to lead?

yoga nap

Buddy was tired this afternoon, but he was also resisting his nap.  Attempt #3 in the crib he fussed for awhile, but eventually I began hearing his sleeping-breathing sound.  It sounded a little different, so I  poked my head in the door to see why.
Lately at nap time he likes to sit up in protest of taking a nap.  Sometimes he sits until I come to get him - even if he is exhausted - as it is almost that he is so tired he cannot figure out how to get out of the position and lay (lie?) down.
Today I found him sitting with his legs in front of him and his back bent down so that his head was resting between his feet.  Hence the weird breathing sound.  I do not know how he fell asleep like that - he definitely does not get his flexibility from me!  I wanted to take a picture, but I did not want to wake him up.  Instead I gently moved him onto his belly to continue napping.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

I Go Out Walking After Midnight

tuesdays unwrapped at cats
And after a week of Buddy sleeping through the night, he had a rough one last night.  The worst was starting about 4:15.  He cried, we tried to let him fall back asleep, we checked on him, I held him, I put him back, I changed his diaper, I offered a sippy cup which he rejected, I held him, I put him back, he cried, I held him.
From 5:20 until 5:50 I held him on the couch in the semi-darkness of the living room.  The frustration of the previous hour evaporated for the most part as I sang an odd combination of songs to my baby boy.  "Pennies from Heaven," "I Go Out Walking After Midnight," " 'Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus," and "His Eye is on the Sparrow."  And his breathing slowed into a sleepy pattern.  He twisted into a comfortable spot in the nook of my arm and the crack of the couch cushion.  His morning breath made me cringe, but the perspiration on his soft head of hair made me sigh and smile as I rested my chin on top of it while he finally, peacefully dozed.  I dozed off a bit, too.
I mistakenly thought we were done with nights like this for Buddy, and though I do not enjoy them, I will stop to cherish the sweet, fleeting moments of this little boy finally resting on his mama's chest.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Multitude Monday #106-119

holy experience

106. A death-by-chocolate muffin waiting for me on the counter when I got home this afternoon, unexpectedly purchased by my hubby with a note that cracked me up.
107.  Time with a friend and her sweet little miracle boys.
108. Buddy sleeping through the night for a week now!!!
109.  Buddy sleeping until 8 AM yesterday!
110. A break from the headaches
111. Forgiveness when I screw up in big and small ways
112. Anticipation for my trip home in August
113. physical therapy
114. giving my hubby cool points for a pair of jeans he purchased, but taking them away for the other pair he purchased :)
115. Making huge progress on Buddy's scrapbook thanks to a friend's advice to do it digitally on shutterfly
116. the last week for Hubs at his less-than-ideal-job
117. trusting that God will provide - knowing He knows the specific things about which I worry
118.  Buddy's new pointing game
119. joy from a box of Kix being dumped on the floor

Sunday, July 18, 2010

poll issues

Apparently there is something wrong with the poll.  Sorry.  I will look into that.  For now feel free to leave a comment with your guess or just tell me in person. :)

Saturday, July 17, 2010

buddy vs. mac 2.0

I am officially out of the first trimester.  I am now in my fourteenth week (I think I have been for a day or two).  Up until recently I have been pretty sure Mac 2.0 is a girl.  However, I am not as certain these days.

some comparisons between Buddy's pregnancy and this one:
  • Buddy - I was sick every evening from pretty much day one until a few weeks into the second trimester.
  • Mac 2.0 - I am not throwing up daily, probably on average every third day.  And it isn't always in the evening. Sometimes it is late morning or afternoon.
  • Buddy - The first trimester I think I only ate Cheez-Its, pretzels, pineapple, and Sonic lemon-slushes.
  • Mac 2.0 - I have been pretty much eating anything.  Somedays certain foods (like pork or Chinese for instance) do not appeal to me, but overall most things sound/taste/smell good.
  • Buddy - The thought of meat, especially chicken, made me throw up.
  • Mac 2.0 - Although I had an unpleasant Chick-fil-a experience in the early weeks, I have not been an herbivore lately.
  • Buddy - I don't remember horrible headaches.
  • Mac 2.0 - For pretty much this entire week I have had a terrible headache.  Sleep, hydration, caffeine - none of these have cured it.
  • Both - exhaustion
I will post a poll on the sidebar.  We are not 100% sure we are finding out the gender in late August, but we are having a hard time with naming this baby, so knowing the gender would take some of the pressure off.

Any guesses on what we are having?  Feel free to leave a comment with your guess in addition to guessing on the poll.  I am going to make my guess after Deb L.  guesses, since she is never wrong ... EXCEPT when she predicted that Buddy was going to be a girl.  :)  Whatever she is guessing, I am picking the opposite. (Haha, love ya, Deb!)

*The results for Buddy's poll were 63% predicted boy, 36% predicted girl. 

Friday, July 16, 2010

all boy

Buddy is such a boy.  He is on the go, even though on the go still means scooting rather than crawling.  He is really fast when he wants to get something or some place bad enough.  He is into everything.  He loves the cabinets (which we have baby-proofed the "dangerous" kitchen ones) and drawers.  He loves pushing and pulling them, as well as doors to any room. He thinks he is pretty funny when he shuts the door on me.
With all of this exploration, Buddy is constantly scraping his leg or arm or bonking his head on something.  Ninety-seven percent of the time it doesn't bother him, and even on the rare times he does cry, it is pretty short-lived.  This morning he was up on our bed, trying to climb onto the headboard/shelf area, when he saw Hubby.  In his excitement, he whacked his head on the headboard.  The crying lasted about three seconds.  The red mark on his forehead lasted most of the morning.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

The Big 3-0

In just six months and two and a half days, I will be turning thirty.  The thought doesn't complete depress me, but it has made me realize there are a lot of things I have yet to do in life that I really want to do.  Here are a few (that won't necessarily be accomplished in the next six months, but maybe in the next six years):
  • learn to sew - I asked for a sewing machine two Christmases ago.  I am still on project #1.
  • get caught up on scrapbooks - This will require me to go digital for awhile because I have only about eight pages done on Buddy's book, and I think only the first year or so of our marriage done.  I think if I make a bunch of scrapbooks via the computer I can maybe get caught up.
  • learn to really bake/cook
  • get a more advanced camera and photoshop so I can take quality pictures of my babies.
  • have a reunion with college friends - This is in the works - yay!  If you want to contribute to my travel fund, feel free. :)
  • get a tattoo - I think some of my older readers just had a heart attack. Sorry for shocking you all, but I am not sorry for wanting one. :)  I will probably chicken out of this idea, but I really do want one.  This will have to wait until a)I'm not pregnant and b)I just have that kind of extra money laying around (which will be quite some time)
Well, I think that is enough to keep me busy for awhile.  And none of it is happening today or probably anytime soon.  What is happening is a brief nap while Bubs is napping.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010


tuesdays unwrapped at cats

I sat drinking coffee last night across a table from my cousin, who for much of our lives lived several states away, and for all of our lives has been six years younger than I.  We sat chatting about family and life and our 2012 trip and how odd that 4 out of 5 of us maternal cousins have ended up in the same town - the town where our mothers spent a brief part of their lives, and surprisingly their children have come and stayed - some of us left only to be drawn back in.
We laugh and we vent and I learn new things about my baby cousin, who is no longer a baby at all, but an amazing and beautiful woman.  And I drive home thankful and thinking how she was there at the hospital when I lost my first baby, and she was there, sprawled outside the hospital door when baby #2 - Buddy - was born last year.  And I wish that we had grown up closer, and I wish that even in the last few years schedules and life had not gotten in the way so much, and I make a promise to myself to make more time for coffee and conversation.
All of this thinking about my maternal cousins leads to reflecting on my paternal cousins, specifically two who I know I can call in the middle of the night for any reason should I ever need to do so.  Two who share similar yet different journeys with me - the journeys that we somewhat jokingly and somewhat seriously say we will write a book about.  And I think of these cousins who took time off of work last summer and spent almost as much time in the car as they were able to spend in Missouri the week after Buddy was born and placed in the NICU.  They came and they hugged and they gave and they made me laugh and they made me cry and they listened as always without judgment as I shared about the thoughts of reconcilliation I was dealing with.  I smile even now typing as I think of our inside jokes and childhood memories of lint and spinning green chairs and hand-me down clothes and Jesus portraits and "for cryin' out loud!"
Growing up I had one brother and no sisters.  But I was blessed with girl cousins which honestly may have been a better deal.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Multitude Monday #94-105

holy experience

My mom and grandmother were in town this last week, so I didn't have/take the time to blog, although I did try to keep on reading the blogs that I read.  Lots of different blog topics/entries floating through my mind, but for now, just Multitude Monday.

94. A new grill thanks to my mom - we have already used it almost every day this last week!
95. Buddy sleeping through the night 3 out of the last 7 nights. It is progress!
96. As I am reading The Girls from Ames being inspired to try to have a reunion with some of my college friends.  Hoping it works out next summer!
97. 100% use of the sippy cup.  This is bittersweet in some ways, but overall a very good thing.
98. Time to nap last week
99. Late night theological discussions with my hubby
100. Snail mail from my best friend
101. Fajitas with the fam
102. Having friends that pray for us
103. Summer thunderstorms at night
104. Our first REAL date night in months
105. Celebrating our "second fifth" anniversary :)

Monday, July 5, 2010

Multitude Monday #80-93

holy experience

80. my one-year old sleeping through the fireworks and loud music in the neighborhood last night.
81. patriotism
82. going to the traditional service at church for a change - something about using a hymnal that warms my heart
83. church and lunch with an old, dear friend I get to see maybe once a year
84. blueberry french toast bake success
85. the smell of steaks grilling
86. sweet doggie hiding from the fireworks
87. "putting in"
88. "hands and knees"
89. parking lot conversations after church
90. singing a medley of military songs on the couch
91. books being pulled of off the bookshelves by the baby
92. being taught that I like people I thought I may never like
93. twenty minutes of Sesame Street for the first time in years

Sunday, July 4, 2010

4th of July and Hands & Knees

We contemplated going somewhere this evening for festivities.  Had an invite to celebrate with church friends, and the local megachurch puts on a HUGE fireworks program for the community.  But Buddy refused to nap all afternoon, so I didn't want him to be cranky around people, and the megachurch celebration is out because I have to use the bathroom all of the time and Ihave never used a port-a-potty, and I don't intend to start now.  (I have however used squatty-potties, believe it or not!)  Anyhoo - so we are spending the evening at home, listening to what sounds like gun-shots from our neighbors, but in actuality are the fireworks they have been setting off all week, and which we know (from previous years) that they will continue to set off for the remainder of the summer at random times.

Due to Buddy's lack of nap and lots of playing this afternoon, he conked out around 6:30 and is now snoring in his crib.  I guess we made the right choice staying home.

Yesterday I wrote about some firsts.  Today we had another.  Buddy boy is getting HIMSELF into hands and knees position (without our assistance or even prompting) and even starting to rock in this position.  This is a BIG deal because he now has the strength/ability to get his belly off of the floor and hold himself out.  Crawling is just around the corner!  The therapy/practicing is helping, and that is so encouraging.

Look how far we have come since last year on the 4th:

Thank you, Jesus!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

"Put In" and other firsts

One of Buddy's skills he has to work on in physical therapy is "putting in."  He works on it with Parents As Teachers, too.  He HATES it.  He loves to pull things out, but put things in - forget about it!  However, this afternoon we were playing with his blocks and bucket, and he actually put in. Several times.  And was compliant and happy about it. He dumped the blocks out pretty much immediately after no more than three or four got in the bucket, but still, there is definite progress.

In other firsts... I made (if I do say so myself) this amazing French toast blueberry bake for dinner last night.  I am not a great cook, but thanks to a recipe recommended by a friend, I tried this, and it was wonderful.  Bubs enjoyed it, too, even though we were warned about the effects blueberries can have on little ones.  Today I got to experience that first... YUCK!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

What Have I Been Reading?

What have I been reading this late spring/early summer?  Am I enjoying what I am reading?  Are you looking for something to read?  You can see quite a bit of Christian fiction on this list.  I have never read much of this genre because a lot of it is cheezy, but I thought I would give it a go!  Trying to balance it out with reading other things, too.  If you have a book recommendation, let me know.  I will read anything except Sci-Fi and Western.
  • The first three "potluck club" books by Shepherd and Everson - Quirky characters,portrays Christians pretty realistically for Christian fiction instead of portraying them as timid, alway wonderful people. Very easy reads, felt myself hungry through each book*
  • The Christmas Sweater - Glenn Beck - Whether or not you love or hate Glenn Beck, this story was very sweet.  I enjoyed it much more than the Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch A???
  • So far these Karen Kingsbury books - Oceans Apart, Just Beyond the Clouds, This Side of Heaven - thought these three books were just so-so. I don't like how she "speaks" as the child characters. Cheezy to me.  Above the Line Take One and Take Two - I enjoyed these more than her stand alone books, Redemption - really enjoyed this.  Undertood why so many of my friends like her.  I will continue to read the Baxter/Redemption series.*
  • The Last Song - Sparks - Did not like this one.  I have mixed feelings about Sparks books anyway. This one I did not like.  Very predictable - even for Sparks who I find pretty predictable.  I did not like the main character at all.
  • The Memory Thief - Keener - Kept my interest. 
  • A Nest Of Sparrows - Raney - I have no recollection of this book if I loved it or hated it.  I vaguely remember reading it, but I could not even tell you what it is about!*
  • The Breakdown Lane - Mitchard - I read Deep End of the Ocean years ago (before the movie came out).  However, I could not finish this book.  It bored me.
  • In The Land of Believers - Welch - True story of a liberal atheist who goes undercover for a year or so at Jerry Folwell's church.  Really enjoyed the first half, second half was a little slow.  Thought she and I agreed on probably more than you would expect since I have very different politcal and religious views.  Didn't like that a lot of Christians came across as ignorant, but on the other hand I know quite a few ignorant Christians, so maybe she was right on.  I just didn't like the undertone of if you believe in Creation or God or Jesus you are uneducated.  I did really like this book overall though.
  • The Debt - Hunt - Slow start, but I liked it about halfway through.*
  • The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society - Shaffer and Barrows - I LOVED the characters in this book.  They were quirky and most of them sweet.  I liked the history involved in the story. I liked that it was all written in letters.
As you can see, my summer reading is just as summer reading should be - very easy overall.  Nothing that makes me think too much.  I have five books waiting at the library for me to pick up later today!

*These books are Christian fiction for those of you who either want to avoid that genre or read that genre.  I know I have both types of readers who look at my blog. :)