Friday, July 10, 2009

Venting Post - Read at your own Risk

I am frustrated this afternoon. The last 3 days we have been hearing how great Buddy is doing and how we will be going to Care-by-Parent soon (the final step in the NICU process). I was told to take my CPR class to be ready (you have to take it within a week of leaving the NICU). I was told bring up his carseat.
Apparently last night (late/early morning after our last visit) Buddy had another episode while he was eating - oxgyen levels dropped, this time so did heartrate, and he went a little blue. So today it seems they are on hyper-senstive while he is eating. I was told at my 11 o'clock visit that we will not be doing care-by-parent, and not given a projected day that we will. He also is not getting his carseat test.
I am just SOOOO frustrated. I want him to be as safe and healthy as possible, but I wish they would not have gotten my hopes up. I also am frustrated because I feel like we are just told stuff but we aren't part of the discussion. And today I saw a parent take their baby to care-by, and if you were able to eavesdrop on the whole situation as I have been able to the last couple of days you would be thinking the same thing as I am thinking. "That baby gets to leave, but Buddy doesn't?"
I had a breakdown on the drive home just now (not the car, me). Crying about the unfairness of it all. Why some people have it so easy and have so little to deal with, and other people get dealt more then their fair share of trials. And this trial pales in comparison to some of the trials we have seen friends/loved ones go through. I don't get it. I need an A+B=C type of life. Do the right things and good things will happen, do enough bad things and you will have bad things happen to you. It doesn't seem to work that way. There is no logic to life, and today I am annoyed by that. My optimism from earlier this week is on vacation. It will return, but I just need to have an Eeyore kind of a day.
I am tired. I am whiney. I am up at the hospital at least four times a day now because I am tired of seeing my baby so little, but it is exhausting. I am tired of not being the one who gets to make decisions for my child. I am tired of having different nurses all of the time instead of some consistency for Budd. I am tired of trying to hold it together when I get disappointing news at the hospital when what I really want to do is yell at someone. I've had some really good days lately, but today I just feel frustrated and low.
I'm sure I will be better tomorrow.

4 comments:

  1. vent away my friend. I am so sorry about all of this. How terribly frustrating. When Caleb was on his way to Care By, they found a staph infection....which we all know comes from...where? That's right, the STAFF!! Probably not true, but ever so maddening when we kept thinking if he wasn't in this crazy hospital and home with us by now, he never would have gotten it. So back to having an IV in his head and the whole sha-bang.And with Luke, we were told.."You're going home!" (which after four months, you KNOW we were about to pee our pants hearing those words). So, we brought the car seat up, he passed his test...and then.....we brought him home THREE WEEKS later. GRRR!! How maddening....for real. We actually did say to them, "Either you let Luke out or you're admitting us." So, they admitted us!! HA! Not actually, but we did live in a Care By for over a week. We seriously couldn't take it anymore and I think they really believed we were going crazy..and maybe we were.ANYway, now I'm the one venting. Feel sad and angry today...it's alright. Andrew and I learned that while God is working miracles and doing amazing things on our behalf, He's ok with the fact that we're just downright mad about life and bummed out about all the things we don't understand. He's ok with it. And I think feels excited for the day when He can reveal what He's been doing all along. Love you friend. Do you need me to bring you some chocolate chip cookie dough or something? :o) Not Nestle of course..LOL! Call me if you need anything at all!

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  2. Amanda,I am so sorry this rollercoster never seems to end. It must feel so maddening. I can especially relate, or at least attempt to relate, to your comment of "I am tired of not being the one to make decisions for my child". It must be so hard to have others in charge of his life and telling YOU, the PARENT, when you get to see your son, touch your son, feed your son. If it was me, I might want to pop them in the face from time to time!! However, I see such strength out of you and Mike. I encourage you to have as many breakdowns in the car as you need! I know I would be a mess. The Lord sees your faithfulness, and I KNOW He is working. Please let us know if we can help at all. If Mike needs a break, I know Bruce would be more than happy to meet him for coffee, and if you ever want to meet somewhere, just let me know. We continue to lift you up in our prayers....Donna.

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  3. Aw Amanda! I am so sorry! You are right...so many things about this entire situation are not fair! My heart breaks for all the things that you and Mike have had to go through. You are such an awesome mom for enduring it like you have though. I know that God has a plan and in the end it will all work out, but it is okay for that not to be enough sometimes! You have every right to vent and be angry! I'm mad and disappointed for you right now :(Hang in there and please let me know if there is anything I can do for you. Or if you just need to vent, you know I am here!Beth

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  4. Hey Amanda! We are here if you need anything taken care of! Let us know! Love you!

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