Saturday, September 15, 2018

when life is still different

As my children get older, I write about them less. It is a tricky thing to always know what to share and what not to share. There isn't always a clear line between what is my story to tell and what are their stories to tell. Sometimes I think that if I do not share certain things others will not know that we are dealing with things. I wonder if people think things are easy for us these days; then I wonder why I even care what other people think.

For me I think so much of it goes back to not feeling alone. Motherhood can feel lonely. Being a stay-at-home-mom, a homeschooling mom, a mom of a child with disabilities - each of these labels can make me feel unconnected, not all the time and not in every season, but definitely in certain moments. Even in the best communities, my life is still different than the average person's.

This evening a few things weighed heavy on my heart, and these things aren't even "big deal" type of things. Yet I think where I can feel most aware of the differences is in the mundane average moments that are not so average for us. I am not even sure what to do with these feelings because they are much more fleeting than they used to be, but they still exist. They still show up when I'm assisting with a task or skill or a chore. They show up sometimes when I enter or exit a location or an event. My heart can twist and turn sometimes in these moments, and tears might even show up unannounced and uninvited. I hate these moments not so much because I see how different things still are, but because I realize how vulnerable I still am. To be emotionally vulnerable is to show others my need when I would much rather have it all together.

So what is my need? Where don't I have it all together? My need is to find rest. Rest from worry. Rest from trying to stay three steps ahead of any issue. Rest from trying to make sure I find all of the things that will help my children. Rest from feeling guilty when I cannot find or do all of the things.

I heard a quote today from a Schole' Sisters retreat I was able to watch via the internet. Cindy Rollins said, "The way you guard your heart is you find your home in Christ." People often associate the term "guard your heart" with purity, especially sexual purity. But this one line Cindy said caught my attention so much I don't know that I heard everything else she said after it. For the last ten weeks I have been doing a study on 1,2,3 John with the focus on the term abide. Making my home in Christ and Him making His home in me means that my heart can be protected from all the worry of things I cannot control by resting in His love and in His care.

I still am not resting well. Even just now while I was writing out these thoughts,  the door opened and two sets of eyes looked in. I felt a bit of weariness about the games that still need to be played and the entire bedtime routine we have to go through. I am not good at resting; I default to trying to control so many of the things and being sad when so many of the things are out of my control. But I'm praying my new default would soon be finding rest for my soul in abiding in Christ, even on the days that are still so different from most everyone else's days.

Friday, August 31, 2018

first six weeks and the importance of community

My east coast friends are getting ready to start their school year on Tuesday, and we are about to take a break. We finished the first six weeks of our 2018-2019 school year today around lunchtime. I can honestly say this has been the best start of our school year so far. There have been exhausting moments and re-arranging of subjects, even eliminating some tasks to do  or moving them over to our scheduled breaks.  Homeschooling can take mental, physical, and emotional energy. But one evening this week I sat around a table drinking coffee with my local Charlotte Mason friends, and I felt encouraged and excited about the year.

Since C is in year four, new things have been added to the schedule. Latin, actual Shakespeare, more intentional focus on studied dictation and a weekly written narration. We also had to remove a book (the one I mentioned he liked on a previous post) because the copy we had included some things that did not line up with our worldview. Apparently there are edited copies out there, but I just wanted an entirely different book, and that led to a beneficial discussion about why we should not stereotype people based on the color of their skin. One does not need a prescribed curriculum on diversity discussions, they can happen organically as we open our eyes to the beautiful and the damaging literature that we come across.

We had our first poetry in the park of the year, which included a lot of time to play in the splash pad before and after the recitations. Poetry in the park might be my favorite thing I organize because I love giving my children and their friends a chance to read or recite, to listen, an to appreciate. I also love that there is a ton of free play after and often that allows me a chance to talk with other moms. G has developed more endurance for our outings, both for poetry and for nature meet-ups, and I am praying that he will connect with a handful of kids this year. He always recites a  little something, and our group is always encouraging and supportive of him.

The exciting part of our week was yesterday when something went wrong in our laundry room/kitchen plumbing, and water started running down behind the washing machine into our hallway. It is fixed now, but it made me thankful that while some household chores are difficult for me to want to keep up with (dusting, yard work, de-cluttering our bedroom), I usually do a load of laundry everyday, so I knew we would be okay on clothing for awhile. I did not even cry when the disaster happened, which is usually how I respond to stressful situations. I think because I was not running on empty yesterday. I have been around others the last few weeks, having actual conversations with other women in a coffee shop, at a park, in a car, or in a living room. There were so many years, especially when my boys were very small, that I lacked the kind of community I am beginning to experience here, and it really does make a difference. To not feel alone in parenting, in homeschooling, in following Jesus, makes the difficult days manageable.

So even with some interruptions this week and the weeks prior, we have had a great start to the year. I am ready for a week off from teaching to do some housework, re-examine a couple of aspects of our school, take a field trip, and rest up for September.  

working on studied dictation

Switched how I was teaching reading to BOB books because the print on the page is not overwhelming to G
and therefore it is easier for him to focus and learn. We are still using our AAR letter magnets with these books.

Fun field trip to the local planetarium and science center.

First local CM nature meet-up of the school year.
We went to a place with shade, a pond, and grass because it is still hot in the desert.

Working on OT skills of focus, hand strength, and coordination.

a science experiment about Jupiter's red spot

I wrote down G's narration yesterday.
Narration can be a struggle for a child with autism and other disabilities,
but we are seeing progress and glimpses of what G understands.


Friday, July 27, 2018

The First Week of School - Fourth and Second Grades

I feel like doing a better job of documenting our school year this year. I always keep records, and at the end of each term and at the end of each year I print out exams and lists and explanations of what we have done, where we have visited, what we have learned to along with the lesson plans I keep. I document a little bit on Instagram with pictures and a little bit on Facebook with things the boys say or do, but I'm a keeper, even in a non-traditional sense, and thus here I am sitting down with my neglected blog in an attempt to remember. Perhaps in an attempt to hold on.

C turning nine this spring reminded me that his life here at home with us is most likely halfway over. Halfway! In nine years he will be heading off to college or travel or a job or an apprenticeship, and the thought of that makes me excited for him while at the same time I want to cry my eyes out. But I won't right now. Because Lord willing we have nine years left, and much of them will be filled with learning and fun and memory making mixed in with all the stressful every day stuff of laundry and feeding the dog and unloading the dishwasher.

The first week of school went really well overall. I am using A Modern Charlotte Mason's curriculum guides and adjusting them to fit our family's needs. One of the best things about the Charlotte Mason philosophy and methods is the way they can reach my diverse learners. G is in second grade in school years, but I am able to pick and choose things to meet him on his level, to slow down with math and reading skills, while still exposing him to beautiful literature, art, music, poetry, history, and nature studies. C is now in fourth grade, which is the grade level of my heart since I spent five of my six years of teaching in that grade. It looks different at home with the Mason methods, but it is a jump from last year, just like it would be in traditional schooling. We have added a couple of subjects and increased expectations. There are still things we are reading together, but I am able to hand off some books for him to read independently. This means I have to figure out the best way to pre-read all of his books so I know what to listen for in his narrations and how to have grand conversations with him.



The rhythm of our year is off to a decent start. I did not fit in things like handicrafts or a nature walk (way too hot right now here) or folk dancing this week. I only fit in a good block for chores on one afternoon. Life is filled with other things than just our lesson plans - occupational therapy, swim lessons given for families with special needs, making cinnamon rolls for life group, and an unexpected trip to the doctor this morning due to a bug bite reaction. (We are okay!) Soon we will add in our non-CM co-op one morning a week, choir, and our CM group activities a few times a month. I'm sure I will need margin somewhere, but I don't know what to let go. I currently have peace, and I have to remember that what my family needs isn't what other families might need and vice versa. I have to remember there isn't a Charlotte Mason police checking up on me to see if I am doing things "right," whatever right is.

So all of that to say, we had a good week. My highlights were learning a silly folksong, G's quoting a small line from Shakespeare from last year, and C surprising me with an awesome job on his first map drill. G said his favorite part was "reading Dr. Seuss (one evening) with Daddy" and C said his favorite was reading Penrod.  

Monday, April 30, 2018

Every Good Endeavor

This spring I am reading through Tim Keller's Every Good Endeavor with a few other people. I haven't finished the book yet, but I highly recommend it even with a few more chapters to go. Especially helpful and thought provoking to me was chapter four on work as service. In it Keller writes, "But the gospel frees us from the relentless pressure of having to prove ourselves and secure our identity through work, for we are already proven and secure. ... All work now becomes a way to love the God who saved us freely, and by extension, a way to love our neighbor.” 

 I don't entirely grasp this yet beyond head knowledge. Being freed from the relentless pressure of having to prove myself -not actually 100% there yet. Yes, I know in Jesus I am proven and secure, but in the day to day things of life I find myself battling the desire to prove myself, especially in my line of work. I have to "prove myself" because if I don't, what proof will there be that my work matters?

 Proving myself in this stage of life looks different than it did a decade or so ago. There is no paycheck. There is no ladder to climb. There aren't scholarly journals about motherhood. (Are there?) There is just me often wanting the less sophisticated labor I do to be noticed, forgetting that for much of Jesus' time on earth He went about without anyone noticing, just being a carpenter. How can doing laundry be a way to love God? How can driving to OT appointments be a way to love God? I'm still trying to figure it out. I find myself cranky on a Sunday evening for things not going the way I wanted them to go in my week, in my day. I feel the need to attempt to prove myself more often than I find myself remembering I am secure in Christ.

I don't remember feeling this struggle as much when I was a classroom teacher. Sure, I felt unappreciated by certain parents or students, or even sometimes certain co-workers. Maybe some of those feelings were balanced out by tangible evidence of what my job did and did not include. Maybe it is different these last almost nine years because before there was an actual going to work and a time at the end of the day I would come home, even if I brought work home with me to grade.  

Now someone depends on me, well two someones, but one depends on me for almost all of his care. I have spent the last year filling out the paperwork, answering therapist and doctor questions, rehashing how far my son has come and how far he still has to go. Our Arizona providers have not seen the six years of work we have put in with other doctors and therapists. Every one of these new visits feel like a time where I have to prove myself - as his mother, as his teacher, as his caretaker. Not once have I been affirmed by a professional here during one of these very hard appointments this year that what I do every day has made a difference. I do hear it from friends and loved ones, but still inside there is this battle of wanting to prove I am enough. Am I enough for my sons? Am I enough for my family? Am I enough for myself? Am I enough for God? And honestly, I am not enough and never can be, and that is a hard thing to say because if I am not enough, then who or what will be?

And the Sunday school answer of course is Jesus. And the good news is that Jesus is more than the parroted back Sunday school answer. I suck at remembering that. I took communion today - just about thirteen hours ago - a tactile reminder that Jesus is enough - but here I am just a short time later wanting it all to be about me. Trying to prove myself through my work, through my parenting, through anything at all will only lead to frustration and grief because in trying to prove myself I often intentionally or unintentionally demand that others appreciate me, which sets up a vicious cycle of sadness and disappointment. 

I don't have a checklist for how to face my Monday better than I faced my Sunday afternoon. It's not as simple as that because I am a flawed human living in a house and a community of other flawed humans. But I am going to come back to this truth - help me come back to this truth, Jesus - that You have freed me from the need to prove myself, and the work I do, both seen and unseen, can be done out of love for You and out of that love for You, done in love for my neighbor, my husband, my kids, as well.

Sunday, April 15, 2018

wandering through homeschooling

I don't write very much about homeschooling on this blog. I don't write very much about anything lately. Life is full and good, but it is also challenging. I have so many thoughts in my head, and some of them I jot down and post on Facebook or Instagram, but mostly the thoughts remain in my head because as my children have left the little kid stage of life and are in the school age stage of life, it becomes hard to discern at times what to share and what to keep for just our nearest and dearest. I don't have any concrete answers yet on the what to share question.

What I will share is that we are in our last term of our fourth year of homeschooling. We re-evaluated homeschooling when we moved to Arizona because there are so many more options available to us here than there were in Missouri in terms of schooling - at least there are for Bubby. There are public schools, charter schools, private schools, hybrid schools, online schools, or continuing to homeschool. Theoretically most of those options are available for Bug as well, but in reality, his options remain public or home school. It is something as an educator, as a believer, as a school choice advocate, and as a special needs parent that annoys me - how little options there really are for someone who lacks fine motor skills and the ability to communicate in the same way as his peers. But I suppose that is a post for another day.

We have ten weeks of school curriculum left, and for the first time in our homeschooling years, we will be schooling through the month of June. We discovered June is the nastiest month here, so I don't want to waste taking time off during that month. We will stay inside, in the air conditioning, with our books and notebooks, and we have taken time off at other points in the calendar. The grace to have a modified year-round schedule is one of the perks of educating in this way. Four weeks off at a time is about all my children or I need or can handle.

During this 2017-2018 school year I feel like I have learned so much about what works for us in terms of education as well as have gotten into a pretty good groove on how to apply it. I am always learning. Every week it seems I read or hear something that just adds another piece of the puzzle, as I learn how to tweak the way we do nature study or how to substitute a book that actually works for my child for a book that was recommended by a curriculum guru. We have learned that easing into our morning with books or audiobooks or a bit of free play before we really sit down is what works best for us these days. We also need to be done most days around one o'clock for optimum attention. I have learned that I still don't know how to sew, even though Bubby has learned a few things about it this year, and that is okay. Babushka can sew, and therefore I will outsource more of those lessons to her when she comes to visit. I have learned that we thrive on flexibility with specific end goals - meaning we can adjust our day or week for appointments or times in nature as long as during the week or month or term we do what we said we would do in terms of learning, milestones, and development.

I have been blessed to meet so many new homeschooling families in the last year. Many have been through the Charlotte Mason group, but some have also been non CM families in a co-op. Through all of these families and conversations with moms I have learned many things. What works for one family might not work for another, and that is okay. Every family has strengths and challenges, and we need each other. Not everyone has a child with a disability, but there are other things that other families struggle with. It is important to have grace to give one another. It is important to encourage one another, to challenge one another, and to even have boundaries with one another. Different seasons need different things, and there is grace for each season and each need.

My books have started arriving for August already. The teacher in me is ready to dive into the next thing, and forget what we still have left to accomplish. But that is unwise and unnecessary. In the remaining two and a half months, I still have goals and methods to try. I am going to add more math games into our week. I have learned there is more than one way to keep a nature journal, and so I will be sharing what I have learned with my kids. There are books to finish reading, and one book at least that will carry over into the summer. We have new occupational therapy goals for Bug, and we have swim lessons to persevere through and hopefully enjoy. The weather is still decent enough to get outside regularly before we hide away for a few months in artificial coolness. There is no Charlotte Mason judge coming around to see how the remainder of our school year is going. There is peace in knowing this - in applying the principles to what practices make sense for our family. There is grace for making education an atmosphere, a discipline, and a life in this home in this season. We have wandered a bit inside and outside the lines to get here, and I know some wandering is still ahead. But I am excited about the remaining weeks instead of counting down the days till July, and that is a gift for which I am thankful.

Thursday, March 22, 2018

To C, who is eight - soon to be nine

Dear Bubby,

Writing has taken a backseat the last year or two with our moves, our schooling, our adventures, and just our day to day living. You have been eight for almost a year now, and while I have documented so much via Instagram pictures, most of my written words to you have remained inside my head and heart.

You grow taller and taller every week it seemed. In a matter of just a few weeks you grew a couple of inches. The Wild Explorers t-shirt we bought you for Christmas is already looking like it won't last the summer, and you like to see how tall you are compared to me on a regular basis. It won't be long until you are as tall as I am.

We listened to The Hobbit on audible this winter, and then you decided to read it on your own. Last week you decided to read A Wrinkle In Time, and after we watched the movie you could tell me several of the differences. I knew by your chatter you had read and understood the book as well as a third-grader can - even though you said a few parts were a little confusing. You liked both the book and the movie, but you said the movie was more magical. You are a fan of stories of magic and adventure, and I hope that never changes. It isn't a genre I really ever got into, but I love that you love it. I love that you are a more diverse reader than I was at your age. I love how you re-read your favorite Roald Dahl and Beverly Cleary books. I love that you tried Treasure Island, but put it aside because you thought it would make more sense when you were a bit older.

Every week you go to choir practice. Your assistant director compliments you on your behavior and attention, and it is hard for me to not what to take pride in that. We ask if you want to try out for the main choir next year, but that means twice a week practices, and you aren't sure you want to give up your free time. You still like to have plenty of time for books and Legos and using your imagination.

You have become a better outdoors-guy this year. This isn't something we were very used to in Missouri, but so many of your friend meet-ups involve hikes or nature gatherings that we have adjusted and embraced it as best as we can. You prefer running around with your friends creating stories and games to spending all of your time observing, but you ask good questions when you slow down for a few minutes.

You continue to be a helpful and loving big brother. You play games that aren't your favorite. You are patient in moments that require extra patience and understanding. This character trait spills over to your interactions with younger kids most of the time. You ask good (and sometimes hard) questions about God and faith and the Bible.

You are working on conquering a few fears/challenges this year. When you get to pick a composer to listen to, you almost always pick John Williams. You have now watched all of the Star Wars movies, and are making your way through Indiana Jones. Several times a week you get your dad to build Legos with you when he gets home from work. I am pretty sure these simple moments will stick with you forever.

It is bittersweet to watch you turn into a big kid, but mostly it is a joy. You are funny and compassionate. It is a great adventure to get to be your mom, and I am so thankful for you.

Love,
Mom







Thursday, January 4, 2018

books I read in 2017 - books to read in 2018

At the beginning of last year I attempted a reading challenge that had me needing to read twenty-six books in a variety of interesting categories. I was looking forward to it because I love to read, but I don't always make time for it like I should nor do I stretch myself as much as I would like. I started off strong, but with the move and all that came with it, I let the challenge go. I wondered as I was looking at everyone's "Best Books of 2017" lists if I even read anything. I have also been asked for book recommendations, and my mind has been going blank. So I sat down through my library history from the year, as well as some instagram photos and my bookshelves to figure out what exactly I did read. The list that follows is not necessarily a recommendation of a book, but it is what I can remember reading this year. I am not listing authors because I am too lazy today - but if you need to know an author of one of the books, I can try to help. I tried to organize them a bit by category. I am also including the challenge I created for myself (and anyone else who wants to join) for 2018.  Happy Reading!

Parenting
The Life-Giving Table
Mere Motherhood

Theology/Faith
Gospel Fluency
The Drama of Scripture


Fiction
Anne of Green Gables (again! and on audio)
I Let You Go (this is a dark read if I remember correctly)
The Secrets of Midwives
Love, Alice
We Are All Completely Beside Ourselves
The Kitchen House
Homegoing (this was one of the best things I read this year)
The Dinner

Children's Fiction (I read a lot with the kids but some of these stood out from our morning or evening read a loud time or some I just read by myself)
Most of the Narnia series (we have just one and a half books left)
The Poet's Dog
The Green Ember (one of Cole's favorite things we read this year)
The Penderwicks (I read this because it was on several booklists, and I thought it was boring!)
Wonder (I have mixed opinions of this story.)
The Courage of Sarah Noble

Biography/Memoir
Amos Fortune 
Falling Free (part memoir, part theology)
At Home In The World

Poetry
New Collected Poems by Wendell Berry


Books I Started But Didn't Finish (for various reasons)
Glory in the Ordinary
The Benedict Option
The Broken Way
Irena's Children
The Zookeeper's Wife
Bird By Bird
Quiet
The Vanishing American Adult
Chasing Slow
Give Your Child The World
Moon Over Manifest

Books I Am Still Reading This Year
Charlotte Mason Vol. 6 Philosophy of Education (doing with a book study)
For The Children's Sake (have read before - doing with a book study)
The Life Giving Home (going through this slowly this year to follow the calendar)


2018 Book Challenge

1. award winner from the year you were born or the year you graduated from high school
2. Newberry winner
3. Caledcott winner
4. a book of poetry
5. a biography
6. a memoir
7. a book that takes place in your city or state
8. a book about an animal
9. a book that is science fiction or fantasy
10. a book you should have read in high school but did not
11. a book that you have not read since you were a child
12. a book that a friend recommended
13. a book that has been made into a movie
14. a book about traveling
15. a book set in a country you would like to visit
16. a book another book mentioned/reference
17. a book about philosophy, theology, or religion
18. a book with a pretty or an intriguing cover
19. a controversial book
20. a book that you think will help you in some way